LESSON 12–Give the Love You Desire
The love that you want is the love that you give.–The String Cheese Incident
You will spend your life wanting to be loved. In many cases, this will come easy. When it comes to matters of the heart, however, love does not come easy. It requires effort on your part—effort that is well worth it.
Don’t be in a rush to fall in love. Love will come when it is ready. In the meantime, master the art of making love.
The phrase, “making love” is most often associated with the act of sexual intercourse. This is not at all what I am referring to. Rather, I mean that you should act toward others in such a way that a loving relationship naturally develops. Love is an act of giving, not receiving. For most, sex is a matter of self-gratification. Perhaps the English language would be more accurate if it were to use the phrase “getting love” when referring to sex. Proper “love-making,” however, necessitates that you put the needs of the other ahead of self. Love should be selfless. Therefore, it requires so much work.
You will go through numerous phases with women over the course of your life. Early on you will be ambivalent or think that girls are “yucky.” In time, however, these feelings will give way to an awkward compulsiveness. Soon, you will become more comfortable with women and, later, want to settle down with one special woman. Don’t be in a hurry to find that “special one.” First, master the art of making love.
I wish I had figured out at a much earlier age the wisdom I pass on to you. Wisdom, nonetheless, comes with experience. I am blessed to have found your mother—if, indeed, anyone ever “finds” their soul mate. I might have had a more enjoyable social life, however, if I had known better.
I missed out in high school. My shyness and insecurity hindered my dating experience. I ran away from some opportunities and choked on some others. Often, I was more concerned with what my friends might think rather than how the girls might feel. I left feelings hurt and missed out on some good friendships. Don’t be foolish like your father. Learn from my mistakes.
When you begin dating, let your motivation be getting to know women. Don’t look on the outward appearance or the popularity of the girl. Date widely—that is, date even those girls to whom you have no physical attraction. Chances are you will find that you have more in common with the girls than you first thought. Realize that there are valuable qualities in all people. Sometimes—perhaps often—the less popular girls are flowers waiting to bloom. I think high school reunions in your future will prove me correct. It won’t be the women you were too insecure to date as a teenager who will catch you eye as a man. It will be those outward beauty catches up with their inward loveliness.
Not every date you go on needs to be romantic. In fact, I would discourage you from dating romantically until late college at best. Don’t rate girls on their potential as girlfriends or mates. Seek to have many girl-friends. I am certain, then, you will find yourself very popular with the ladies.
Don’t be afraid to go against popular opinion. Don’t feel like you need to date the most beautiful or popular girl in school. Rather, consider dating those girls who, perhaps, aren’t dated as often. It doesn’t have to be a big deal either. It might only be to go for a walk, hike, or bike ride. It might only be to go for an ice cream cone. It might be to go to a sporting event or a free concert. You often don’t have to spend a dime. All it might cost you is a few hours of your time—time you would have spent doing what you are doing anyhow.
When you date, make it about her. Don’t spend time talking about yourself. Ask questions. Make her laugh. Make her feel good about herself. Help her recognize the beauty that lies inside. Encourage her. Love her.
While you might find one special girl you want to spend your time with, avoid the temptation to have a steady girlfriend. Certainly, don’t date with the intent of finding a girlfriend. If you do, first, you will be more susceptible to heartache; and second, you will miss opportunities. Date widely. Have many girl-friends. If there is one special girl, fine. But don’t date exclusively and don’t be possessive. Let her date widely as well.
Don’t be in a rush to become sexually active. There is plenty of time for this later in life. The number of sexually active teenagers is staggering. And, with the epidemic comes a host of problems—teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, suicide, rape, distorted self-images, etc. Respect women as if they were your own sister. Be patient and control the overwhelming urges that come with puberty. Practice self-control. Practice the art of making love, not love-making.
After experiencing the diversity of women, then you can begin to identify the qualities to which you are most attracted. Now as a more mature male, you can begin to experience the blessings of exclusivity. Begin to make love on a deeper level. Be willing to reveal more of yourself and expose your weaknesses. Yes, you are now more vulnerable to heartbreak, but, if you make more educated choices based on years of experience dating widely, you will be less likely to experience pain. Much of the heartache we experience is the result of not seeing incompatibility from the start. It is from jumping into relationships out of loneliness and insecurity. Exclusive dating should come at that time in life when you feel ready to consider settling down, not when you are emotionally and socially immature.
I met your mother later in life (I was 40 years old) when I was most ready. She is worth the wait. I hope that you will be as happy in marriage as I am. It is the result, though, of knowing what I wanted (and needed) and being patient. Be patient and you, too, will find the love you desire. I know you will.
When you find the one that you are meant to be with, yield yourself to her. Make her desires your desires. I am not saying that you should become a doormat—absolutely not. If you have chosen wisely, you will find that your desires are mutual, but, in cases where your desires differ, it is a sign of strength to sacrifice your will for the will of your partner. It is a weak man who goes against conscious or conviction to do as his wife demands. It is a strong man who determines that giving happiness to his wife is nobler than serving self. Choosing other over self is an act of love. Go into any relationship with the philosophy that “My God is first, my family and friends are second, and I am third” and you will be successful.
It is a challenge to yield oneself to another. Instinct is one of self-preservation. Man, however, is separated from beast by one thing—the spirit in man that allows us to enter relationships for something more than procreation. Man has the capacity to feel and express emotion. The challenge is to control and to express these feelings effectively.
Communication is critical to a successful relationship. I am still a novice at this (even at this rewrite), but even minimal improvement in skill has had a dramatic positive effect on my relationships. It is hard for us to express our needs. More often, we demand our needs be met and neglect to consider the need of others first. Stephen Covey considers one’s ability to “seek first to understand and then to be understood” as one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And rightly so.
One of the best things your mother and I did in preparation for marriage was read Harville Hendrick’s Getting the Love You Want and attending an Imago workshop. We learned that our life experiences cause us to react in certain ways that are often contrary to our spouse’s needs. Recognizing these needs and altering our reactions—as well as expressing our own needs in a non-demanding fashion—create a more peaceful relationship that expresses love on a deeper plane. We still have our moments (yes, even after all these years), but, overall, we are happier and more satisfied in our relationship. In fact, we probably would not be together had we not begun to practice such communication early in our relationship.
Know that getting the love you desire requires work. In science, we learn that energy and momentum are conserved (e.g., energy can be neither created nor destroyed). Love, however, does not follow any physical laws. Love is spiritual; hence, it follows spiritual laws. Love given is multiplied many-fold. The love you share with another individual is not only returned many times over, but it also spreads to others. You share your happiness with others. Perhaps not directly, but your emotional state carries over to everyone with whom you come in contact.
Love is a great and wonderful thing that cannot be taken lightly. If you want to be loved, you must first love others. Make love wherever you go. Thus, you will receive abounding love in return. When others resist your love, love harder. Cast off selfish desires. Know than selfishness is a hard skin to shed. When it overtakes you, it becomes so deeply imbedded that it is hard to remove. I wish I could say that I was a truly selfless and caring individual, but I am not. I can be stubborn and uncompassionate. I can be hard-nosed and insensitive at times. Discipline and integrity can often be coupled with impatience and intolerance. Sometimes, unfortunately, I remain trapped in this predicament. I recognize it, however, and hope that I do not pass it on. Rather, it is my hope that you will not be like me and will, from the start, be compassionate and understanding. I hope that you will be selfless. My friend, Lynn, jokingly asks of her husband: “When is he going to realize that I am the center of his world?” Of course, she doesn’t really mean this, but is reflects the problems in most relationships and why more than half of today’s marriages end in divorce. People don’t get the love they desire because they don’t first make love with others. Be a strong man with compassion—a man of “steel and velvet.” Don’t let anyone convince you that being selfless is being weak. It is a weak man that demands his way and takes love. It is a strong man who can say “your happiness is most important to me” and makes love. To get love, give love. Give the love you desire!
Carpe momento!!
© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022