“We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort.”—Jesse Owens
There is always a challenge for a parent in knowing where to draw the line with youth sports. We all want to see our children win, but it is more important that they learn the ancillary lessons that come with sport participation. I am sure these differ for parents, but, for me, the important lessons are in respect, teamwork, and effort. My son, being an 11-year-old, is at that stage in sports where I have to carefully balance being father, exercise physiologist, and sport psychologist (though I have no formal training in the former or the latter). I can’t say I get this balance right, but I hope with experience, I am getting better. I am learning.
This was supposed to be a tournament weekend in wrestling. My son is struggling with confidence this season and, because of scheduling and weather, he has not yet wrestled a competitive match. The options this week were a highly competitive open qualifier or a more evenly matched league jamboree. We opted for the league tournament (I wanted to give him a greater chance for success and a boost in confidence), but, as I am finding increasingly common in Portland, Oregon, the schools cancelled all extracurricular activities because of predicted winter weather, and the tournament was cancelled. My son remained apprehensive about the qualifier and chose not to participate. This opened a door to discussing his “why”—why he is wrestling if he doesn’t want to compete? We had a good father-son chat. I hope he has come a bit closer to find his “why”.
I was disappointed that he didn’t wrestle. I love watching him wrestle. I was not disappointed with him. I was concerned, however.
We talked about winning and losing. I stressed to him that in wrestling—and any sport—there are “only winners and learners”. (He’s heard this before.) In choosing not to participate, however, he neither won nor learned, so he lost. We gain absolutely nothing in not trying. When we don’t try, we lose the opportunity to win or learn. We lose.
We talked about for whom he is wrestling. There was some hesitation here. I made it clear that he should not be wrestling, playing any sport, or doing anything for me. He does whatever he does for himself first. He wins for himself—not me. Secondly, he wrestles for his teammates and coaches. No one else.
We talked about effort. He has heard be your best today; be better tomorrow more than a few times from me. We discussed that you cannot be better tomorrow without being your best today. We can’t be our best today, if we don’t give a 100% effort. Without 100% effort, we also let down our teammates and coaches. Without our best effort, our teammates don’t get better either.
It is challenging to process these things in an 11-year-old mind, but, hopefully, it is beginning to make sense for him. As adults, it should be clear. We need to have a purpose to the things we do. Sometimes, our purpose is necessity—paying the bills, providing for our family, keeping our job, etc. Other times, our purpose is pleasure—because we enjoy what we are doing. Whatever the purpose, we need to understand our “why” and proceed accordingly. If there is no reasonable “why”, then the principle of “opportunity cost” might suggest we quit and divert our energies to something more in line with our goals, mission, and values.
As adults, the lessons we learned in sports apply to our life beyond sports. Our desire to “win”—be successful—is, first, personal and, second, for our team. We should never do anything for the purpose of pleasing others (as a priority). Certainly, if we do our absolute best at whatever our hands find to do, we will benefit our team and please others (i.e., family). You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. Anyone who is not pleased with your best effort isn’t on your team. If you do the best you are capable of doing, you will please those who support you. Otherwise, don’t worry about it.
Know your “why”. Give 100% one-hundred percent of the time. Be your best today, and you will be better tomorrow.
Carpe momento!
“Individual commitment to a group effort – that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.”—Vince Lombardi