“Unless we learn to argue better, we will grow dumber, be less happy and become a nation of grudge holders.”—John Dickerson
I grew out on the East Coast of the United States. I have been living on the West Coast for 10 years. Using the term “united” seems like a bit of a misnomer, as the entire republic seems increasingly divided. I used to think that the art of disagreeing was lost on the West Coast (Oregon, in particular). The East it seemed was willing to accept that we have differences. We’d argue, but, in the end, we remained friends. Now, I think it is a national disaster. It seems we are a long way from being able to “agree to disagree”.
I speak my mind. I am honest and forthcoming. That has made me enemies over the last decade. I am not a fan of “Northwest nice”. Yes, that is a thing. (I even Googled it.) Northwest nice is where one will smile and speak favorably about an issue or a person to your face but will, later, will undermine the very issue or person in private. There is a surface niceness that may or not be sincere. (Now, this is not to say that people in the Northwest are bad people. To the contrary, they are wonderful people. I treasure the (few) friendships I have made here—those that I know to be true bonds. It is really much more of a developed culture that many practice unaware.) The problem is, you often don’t know where you stand with people until it is too late. I find that when I question something—anything—I am likely to offend someone. (The idea of “be better tomorrow” seems to suggest that I am saying one isn’t good enough or even subpar—which is farthest from my intent.)
I am two weeks away from the start of my new academic year. While I am excited to get in front of the classroom, again, I get a pit in my stomach as I begin to think about college and division meeting and interacting with colleagues. I struggle with my desire to push our programs forward and the resistance that comes from (some, not all) colleagues who insist I am “putting down” the institution, the program, and/or the students. Of course, if I am going to put anyone or anything down, it is going to be me and my courses first. It is a struggle for me to put others first and approach change with a greater sensitivity to the personalities of others.
I am finding it easier to develop friendships with people with connections to the East Coast and Midwest. In part, due to the common ground, but, moreover, because there is an upfrontness about them. I know where they stand, and I know I can be honest (which I am going to be any way). Some of my deepest and closest friendships are with people shared life with during my brief 2-1/2 year and 10-month stays on Long Island—with those “rude New Yorkers”. “Rude” is hardly an accurate description of people on the East Coast. Neither are they cold or unfriendly. Quite the opposite.
Now before I offend any of my NW neighbors, let me be clear. These are wonderful people. They just don’t wear their true emotions on their sleeves. A bit more emotional honesty is warranted—and, correspondingly, a greater willingness to accept that people may disagree from time to time is needed.
To the heart of my purpose statement, I am writing in response to a national epidemic. I am writing in response to the every growing rift in society as we find ourselves so easily offended by the opinions of others.
Many (not all) Americans on both sides of any point for discussion are acting like a two-year-old having a temper tantrum. While either or both sides may have reasonable and sensible arguments, the tendency is to fly off the handle and throw a fit. There is no such thing as a rational discussion anymore. It seems that many will argue against the sky being blue just because someone of an opposing political view says it is blue. We don’t discuss any more. We yell and never listen (or at least listen for what the other my really be saying). “Triggers” is a common phrase among those who would say that they are offended. Ironically, it is probably an accurate label as these words will tend to set off an explosive reaction. Sadly, the reality of triggers suggests a weakness of the person who might be sensitive to them rather than the person who might “set them off”. Yes, there is ignorance and racism, but protectionism is not the answer. The answer to ignorance is always knowledge. We don’t educate others by forcing ideas upon them. We educate by breaking down the walls of ignorance with communication—by confronting and sharing opposing ideas.
I am anxiously awaiting the delivery of The Coddling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. As an educator, I believe it important to teach others to think independently and challenge ideas. The last thing I ever want to hear from my students is “Just tell us what is going to be on the test.” The “test”, my students, is life. People are going to have ideas that differ from yours. You can’t play Northwest nice. I have to engage in discussion with those who might not agree with you. You must listen more than you speak. You must respect one’s right to their opinion (we American’s refer to this as the “freedom of speech”), no matter how offensive you find it or them. If you object to their views, make the case for your own. Respect one another, but not merely superficially. Recently, the co-host of “CBS This Morning”, John Dickerson, admonished his viewers to “Treat others like human beings. Have a generous interpretation of their views. Allow them to clarify before shaming them. Don’t judge their motives or judge them by the group they’re in.” Moreover, he encouraged us to “follow the maxim: ‘When arguing with a fool, make sure they’re not doing the same thing.’”
Be your best today; be better tomorrow.
Carpe momento!