The challenge of writing daily often leaves me overwhelmed trying to find inspiration. (I am sure I won’t attempt to keep the pace much longer, but the two year mark—730 days—seems like an unreasonable enough goal.) So, often, I throw out a request for inspiration and am never left empty handed. Today’s topic came in such a way. An old friend, Doug, offered: “How about the important people in your life. They define who you are or want to be.” The suggestion presented a great opportunity to reflect on the importance of the lives that cross ours.
I am of the mindset that every person—every relationship and every experience—defines who we are becoming. We tend to define the “important” people in our lives as the ones upon whom we reflect most positively—the person to whom we are happily married, parents if they were especially supportive, “great” coaches and teachers, friends, etc. Rarely do we consider the influence of the less desirable people in our lives. There is much truth to the importance of positive people in our lives. Time has taught me, however, that every person I have encountered has influenced me in some way—great or small. As such, I consider every interaction to be important.
As my friend stated, the important people in our lives “define who (we) are or want to be.” There is a distinction—or call it “decision”—in that statement. No doubt, the important people define who we are. We are shaped by their influence—good or bad. How we are shaped is our choice. There is a decision to be made with every relationship, encounter, or experience. It is easy to let positive and supportive people shape us for good. Negative and destructive people leave us with a choice. Such people inspire a “fight-or-flight” response in us. But there remains a “third way” with such people (a topic upon which I have plans to elaborate in the next couple of days). Rather than fighting as we are often inclined to do (just follow Facebook comments) or walling off our emotions or willfully accepting defeat, we have the option of seizing the moment and using the experience as a springboard for growth. Thusly, we determine who we are by who we want to be.
We can ask the “What if?” question, but reality is what is. We are where we are and who we are because of every experience leading to this moment. Some may have cause to blame. Some may have cause to be thankful. Overall, there is the potential for blame and/or gratitude. The healthy—the “well-centered”—approach is gratitude. Whether we were build up or beaten down by the people in our lives, our current position—more specifically, our next current position—is our choice. Now, for those who have been beaten down far more than they have been built up (and many have been treated horrifically—beyond poorly) it is nearly impossible to not blame others. This is understandable. But for such people there remains the opportunity to use their experience for good—rather than perpetuate a vicious cycle. It is nearly impossible for some to be grateful but the choice of “who we are” remains ours.
We need the positive/supportive influences in our lives. Likewise, we need to be the positive/supportive influence in the lives of others. In every exchange, we leave the other affected and are impacted, as well. The effect of another’s affect is our personal choice.
I know I am who I am because of the immeasurable encounters and experiences I have had in my 55 years. I would not change one second of my life for fear that it would deflect my trajectory away from who I am today.
I am as grateful for every failed relationship or missed opportunity as I am for my wife. We actually worked within blocks of each other in NYC in the late ‘80s. Our paths very likely crossed but, as fate would have it, we never met. It would take another 15-plus years before fate would have her completion. I don’t question why I have to wait. Certainly, neither of us were ready and we had other paths to follow to get where we are. Likewise, our children are who they are (will be) because of the circumstances that brought us to their conception and the timing of their experiences and relationships.
For better or for worse, I have the parents and siblings I have. I have had teachers and coaches who ran the gamut of good-to-bad (truthfully, they all leaned more to the “good” rather than the “bad”). I have had friends come and go and come again. I have had people I wanted to punch (and some I did). Some of those are now very good friends. Whatever influence others have had on me, it has been my decisions that determined how they affected me.
Who are the important people in my life? Everyone is important in my life? Now, surely, I don’t always recognize or acknowledge this—sometimes I deny it—but I am grateful for the relationships and experiences that have made me who I am and who I choose to be.
Be your best today; be better tomorrow.
Carpe momento!