I write often of my daily mantra: “I am third”—from the Gale Sayers autobiography with this title. It come from the philosophy that “my Lord is first, my family (and friends) are second, and I am third”. I try to live this, but there is a downside. (And, yes, I am writing to myself, today.)
“I am third”, I believe, extends beyond the popular Christian movement, “I am second”. It emphasizes putting all others ahead of one’s self. This is exhausting. It is frustrating. It is downright impossible in our human condition to do successfully on a daily basis.
I fail miserably at “I am third”. (Just ask my wife and kids!) This is why it has to be my daily mantra. I have to remind myself to strive for this every day. I have to remind myself because I get to live this every day. It is the expression of gratitude about which my friend, Andy Lausier, teaches/coaches. The challenge for me, though, is the fatigue that this daily struggle between “have to” and “get to” brings.
When we put others first, we often forget that putting others before ourselves is supposed to release them of the expectation that they would put us first. When we are looking for a return on our investment in others, we are not truly living the life philosophy of “I am third”. Rather than expect others to pay us back, we must expect others to pay it forward. When we do, it will ultimately come back around to us. Call it “karma”, if you must.
Our goal(s) Spiritually (as well as Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, and Socially) should be to live with the knowledge that the Universe is bigger than self. Our purpose is not in sustaining self but in living for others. Imagine a world in which everyone lived for his/her neighbor with no expectation of a return. How many problems would that solve?
I say that living “I am third” is exhausting. This is not an excuse for taking a break. It may require a regular “deload” (to use a term from exercise training) from time to time. We may need a bit of a personal retreat to recharge and recover, but this is not a withdrawal to our old selfish ways. We can deload (or perhaps better stated as “preload”) through our daily habit of journaling, reading, prayer, and meditation. We can recharge with a daily consumption of positive messages—reading, podcasts, etc. We are allowed some “personal time”. Moreover, though, we can communicate with others—something I fail miserably at doing (even when it comes to my “15-minute check-in” with my wife). Expressing our expectations is “I am third”. We communicate our expectations of others for the purposes of supporting our ability to put their needs ahead of our own.
It comes down to need versus want. We have needs. Needs are not selfish. They are essential to our functioning effectively. Wants are a different beast. What we want is often not at all what we need. Recognizing the difference is crucial to living “I am third”.
If we are struggling in our relationships, we are quite likely holding on to a want too tightly. We are exhausting our Spiritual muscle. We need to examine (I need to examine) what it is onto which we are holding on too tight. Let go.
Be your best today; be better tomorrow.
Carpe momento!