Sometimes—okay, most of the time—my responses can be somewhat curt. I don’t really mean them to be, but it is always easier to speak before I think. Easier, however, is not always wiser. I need to keep working on bettering myself.
I am by no means an expert on interpersonal skills. I took a course as an undergraduate college student in the early ‘80s, but I am really more of a hack who is making it up as I go. I need help. The best thing to do when one needs help? Ask!
My wife is probably the most frequent victim of my insensitivity. It is easiest to offend the ones we love the most—primarily because we tend to let down our guard. So, I struck a deal with my better half. When one of us says something careless (more often it is me), the other is to respond: “Is that the second draft?” In other words: “I believe you might want to reconsider what you just said.” We hope doing so will serve to 1) lighten the mood when things could otherwise turn south quickly, and 2) educate us in how our words can hurt without knowing. Rather than being offended and harbor anger, this tactic allows humor to relax what could be a tense situation and open (rather than close) communication.
It is too bad that our brains aren’t programmed like our computer software to alert us to impending errors. Microsoft Word tells me when I misspell a word or make a grammar error. My brain rarely takes the time to careful consider and edit the words before telling the tongue to “send”. Herein is the wisdom of increasing the time between the stimulus and the response. That extra fraction of a second in which we allow the wisdom centers in our brain to consider what we are about to say can make all the difference in our relationships. Taking time to think before we react allows us to process what we are about to say before we say. Still, we are human—self-centered humans—and we are prone to saying stupid things. When we do we need the support of others.
Vince Lombardi said: “Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.” If we work at improving our communication, we will improve over time. We will certainly slip up time and again, but owning our mistakes will go a long way in keeping our relationships healthy.
On the receiving end of another’s words, we need to be less sensitive. There is a push in American culture to put the blame on the offender and take no responsibility as the offended. When we are offended by another’s words, we can 1) let them hurt us, 2) throw them back, or 3) hand them back gently and afford the offender the opportunity to rephrase. Of course, they might choose not to rearticulate and hurl their words back at us. In this case, we are wise to walk away.
There are many lessons one can learn from the movie, What About Bob? Bob’s wisdom on the matter of people who don’t like us (or treat us as such) is: “You know, I treat people, as if they were telephones. If I meet somebody I think doesn’t like me, I say, “This one is temporarily out of order.” You know, don’t break the connection. Just hang up and try again!”
So, as we attempt communicate our feelings, we must try to edit our words carefully. If someone says something that hurts us, let’s first give them a chance to edit their words. If that doesn’t work, “just hang up”.
Be your best today; be better tomorrow!
Carpe momento!