Of James C. Hunter’s “3 F’s of change” (foundation, feedback, and friction), I believe friction to be the most under-utilized. We often set forth an understanding of the standards and provide some level of feedback, but it is generally hard for some to administer and/or receive a healthy dose of tension in the home, workplace, or community. We either avoid it altogether or we miss apply friction.
Friction should really just be an extension of honesty. It is to be truthful when it hurts. Now, obviously, there must be a certain wisdom in how one offers the truth—the movie, Liar, Liar, with Jim Carrey comes to mind. Truthfulness, i.e., friction, needs to be constructive. Friction should be intended to shape and polish the recipient. Thus, friction—healthy tension—is an act of love.
Our society seems to be at the extremes of the friction continuum. On one end, we have talk of “safe spaces” and “triggers” in universities where healthy tension should be encouraged rather than discouraged. On the other end, everybody seems to have their signs painted ready to protest at the drop of the hat. Rarely, do we see a willingness for the diversity of thought to be welcomed at the table. Friction is not “you v. me” or “us v. them”. Friction—healthy tension—is open and honest discourse that leads to growth and understanding.
I believe we are going too far in shielding our young (and our adult selves) from any emotional pain. Now, don’t misunderstand, I am not condoning bullying, but I do believe the label, “bully”, is being overused in schools and other areas of society. “Zero tolerance” policies are well-intended, but often misapplied. On the one hand, our young need to learn to deal with people at all levels—and jerks don’t disappear just because you want them to. On the other hand, there are reasons why people bully others. Something is often going on in that person’s life that warrants addressing. I am no psychologist, but it seems to me that many of the social problems we are seeing in adults is a result of how we are teaching children to deal with conflict. It should not be the wild west on the playground, and fighting should not be tolerated, but it is essential that we learn to deal with conflict effectively. I want my children to understand that they are to do no harm to others, but that I support them when they stand up for themselves or step in to protect another. After all, isn’t that what we want to see in healthy adults?
I don’t get the trend on college and university campuses toward creating “safe spaces” and other policies that, while perhaps being well-intended, silence discourse and discourage the open discussion of ideas. Now, again, I don’t welcome hurtful behavior, but saying it can’t exist does not make it go away. Our institutions of higher learning should be places where the diversity of thought is encouraged and openly discussed—respectful discourse. Instead, “diversity” becomes a series of labels that further divide rather than unite. I have observed faculty literally spending years to create a definition of “diversity”. Personally, I want to see diversity looked at as more than racial, ethnic, and gender classification. We are more diverse than such labels permit. True diversity is the understanding that we are all individuals with unique ideas and qualities to bring to the table. Until we can learn to accept one another for who we are, we will never have diversity, nor will we be a truly educated people.
On the other hand, we are teaching our young that the only way to have your voice heard is to protest. At a college meeting this past year, a comment was made that it would be nice to see our students protest more. Of course, I had to speak up. Mostly alone in my opinion, I contended that we need to see less protesting and encourage our students to meet at the table and talk through their conflicts. It bothers me that we don’t allow for conflict—friction—in the classroom. I expect my students to challenge what I teach, but they best have a sound argument for their side. This is honest, respectful discourse—a foundation, I believe, to a liberal education. One response I received was to the effect of “someone has to speak up for the marginalized”. Speak for the marginalized? Doesn’t that further marginalize them? Doesn’t that say “You have no voice in society, so let me speak for you”? Maybe I am wrong, but this bothers me. We should stand with the marginalized and neglected in our communities, but we mustn’t stand for them. We must give them the opportunity to speak and give them the ability to speak for themselves. We diversify by inclusion not by exclusion. Protests create a live of division and rarely resolve conflict.
We cannot function as a society without friction. Any good woodworker, however, knows that there is a time to use course sandpaper and a time to use fine sandpaper. Wisdom comes in knowing when to use the appropriate grain. Thus, it is with the sharing of ideas and resolving differences.
Be your best today; be better tomorrow.
Carpe momento!