“You can’t always get what you want, but, if you try sometimes, well, you might find you get what you need.”—The Rolling Stones
We are overly concerned, in my humble opinion, about feelings. We are concerned to the point that our young are so shielded from possible offense that they are not learning how to adequately stand for themselves. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do believe that we should not offend. But, at the same time, we should not be easily offended. The opportunity to be offended comes often. It is our choice to be offended or not to be.
I saw a “sponsored” video on Facebook this morning that prompted today’s comments. The video (I didn’t watch it) offered a “3-step formula” for not getting your feelings hurt. I am not a person for bullet-point solutions (though I am surprised that there has not been a faction of society to rise up offended by the phrase “bullet-point” and demand that it be replaced with a more politically-sensitive term). Personally, I have a 1-step formula for not getting your feelings hurt: 1) Don’t let your feelings get hurt. Simple. It is a decision we are frequently asked to make. Carpe momento.
I remember learning as a kid that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” When did we start to forget this??
In our ever-diversifying world, we are going to say things and have things said to us that are said of ignorance. There is no harm intended. No harm should be taken. It should be a learning moment.
I carry a haunting remembrance of my own ignorance (many, in fact). I grew up in a predominately white community. In 12 years of public schooling, I was exposed to only a handful of persons of color and, even in college had diverse friendships only at work. It was not until I moved to Long Island, New York that I was blessed with a diversity of close friends. Culturally, I had a lot to learn. Thankfully, I was loved by these friends (they were more like family), and I loved them. On one occasion, I could easily have destroyed the bond. I was with a group of my friends sharing in some light conversation. Johnny started talking jive (if that is the best way to describe it—I am still sensitive about it). He was hilarious. I, in all my youthful ignorance, commented: “I love when you talk black.” Silence. And I can still see the look on the faces of my friends. All I could do was apologize and confess that my words did not come out as I intended. Thankfully, the color quickly returned to the faces of my friends, and they let it go. It bothers me to this day, but I suspect that none of them even recall the incident. This easily could have been the end of a number of great friendships—brotherhoods—that remain to this day. I can’t say that I have perfectly mastered the art of thinking before I speak and considering how my words might be perceived (my students can attest to this), but I am more careful. Moreover, the lesson I learned from Johnny, Eddie, Gary, John, Maurice, and any others who were present is that of forgiveness and understanding. I do believe the event pierced me more than it pierced them. It exposed an ignorance. It caused me to grow.
We are going to offend. It is a fact of life. It follows, then, that we are going to be offended. That is to say that the potential to offend and be offended will always be present. It is a matter of choice whether we are offended by another’s words or actions. In the moment, we make a decision.
When we decide to be offended, the relationship continues down a negative path. If, on the other hand, we choice to correct the offender, let the offense roll off us, or to just walk away, we take the path of strength and “happy is he who is not easily offended.”
Carpe momento!