“Every minute spent on negative thoughts is a minute that could have been spent on pursuing your dreams.”—Coyte Cooper
Today in my Fundamentals of High Performance meeting with Coyte Cooper (www.coytecooper.com) and my cohort group, we discussed the Psychology of Change and the barriers to change: the crazy clutter, limiting beliefs, and clarity on implications. I know that eliminating the “crazy clutter” is a necessity for my success. I touched on this in my post titled “Take the garbage out.” As well, I feel I have pretty good clarity on the implications. (Though, in addressing this aspect of behavioral change, I realized that maybe some of what I have listed as high priority goals are merely action steps or essential habits to more significant goals and that I need to address the “whys” of these goals and consider what I am really wanting with these.) What I realized today is that I really haven’t considered my limiting beliefs—at least for some time and with significant attention.
I learned of one of my biggest limiting beliefs about the time my wife and I were preparing to get married. We enrolled in a couples workshop based on the book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. In one of the exercises, we were asked to list the negative talk we heard growing up. I honestly had trouble thinking of any. If anything, my parents were overly supportive (if parents can be as such), but….
My parents had married very young and from the start did not have a solid relationship. I have no fault with either of them and consider the circumstances into which I was born to be a blessing. [I am a firm believer that one is given the circumstances (and, perhaps, parents) in his/her life that will lead one to his/her intended Purpose.] As it was, they divorced, and it was a brutal separation. So, in that workshop, when I was asked to consider the negative talk that I heard growing up, the only thing that came to mind was “You are just like your father.”
Now, it took me a long time to realize that my mother did not mean this is a way of demeaning me. It was really just an expression of hurt, and, in hindsight, I realized that my appearance and personality was a daily reminder to her of my father and the pain of a failed relationship. I don’t believe she said it with any ill-intent; but, subconsciously, it negated anything positive that anyone had ever said about me. So, despite all the positive talk and encouragement, I began to believe that I was the summation of all my father’s faults.
After processing this revelation for many years, I have come to realize that I have focused only on my faults and not on the characteristics that I share with and admire in my father. My father has done some awesome things. He has changed businesses as a management consultant; he has written and published books; he has acted in a number of television shows and movies; and much more. Unfortunately, he has never quite reached the brass ring—or at least that was my perception.
My father dreams big. And when you dream big you often fall short. So, whenever I have dreamed big, I have tended to have “you are just like your father” in the back of my mind. My subconscious translated this as “you are going to fall short of your dreams so don’t talk big.” The thing is, my dad has done things many would never attempt. He once tried out for the Pittsburgh Steelers with no high school or college football experience. He actually made it to camp. How awesome is that! After retiring and moving to New York, he decided to try acting. He had done some stage acting and stand-up comedy in his younger years, but nothing really big time. In New York, he quickly earned his SAG card and found frequent work as an extra. He was a regular on Law and Order: Criminal Intent and was called back often to a number of other shows. He was cast in a number of movies and even had some lines in some popular movies (though they were cut in final production). Who does this? Who has the guts to step out like this and try amazing things?
I am immensely proud of my dad—and my mother, too. (I would not want anyone to think that I am painting her to be a villain, here.) Mistakenly, I have managed for too many years to put that small difference between success and grand success on myself and allow this to become a limiting belief.
This is, of course, not my only limiting belief. I could easily go on—and on. Today, I just want to encourage the reader to consider the thoughts that limit him/her. Identify from where it is these come, and address them. Flipping them is key.
Stop dwelling on what you perceive to be holding you back. Get a perspective on what is before you. Don’t focus on the probability of failure. Focus on the probability of success and the key action steps you need to accomplish your dreams. You can do more than you think you can. You can certainly do more than others think you can!
Be your best today; be better tomorrow!
Carpe momento!