LESSON 6–Manners
I was dating a girl once who pointed out that every time we crossed the street I switched sides. I always moved to the street side. It freaked her out! I never realized I did it. I gave it some thought and realized it was a habit that was ingrained in me at an early age. It was something my parents taught me that had become as natural as breathing.
Your grandmother once told me that mothers of several of my female classmates in elementary school had commented what a polite boy I was and that their daughters had told them how I always helped them with their coats and held the door. I had no conscious recall of doing this. I was taught manners from the start, and, I guess, it became habit. It helped, also, that I have three sisters. I got much practice.
Manners and common courtesy seem to be endangered species. Why? In part, because they simply aren’t taught the way they were in your grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ generation. In part, because we are becoming a “me” society. We isolate ourselves from others and think only of ourselves and our own gratification. It is also, in part, due to the blending of gender roles. Women, it seems, find it demeaning to have a man hold the door for them or help them with their coat. How absurd! Don’t ever let someone convince you that showing them respect lessens their standing. Showing one courtesy and respect, rather, places them in a higher position. Manners should say to the recipient that they matter. When you hold a door for a woman (or a man) it says to her (or him) that “you come first.” Don’t let anyone tell you this is wrong!
When I met your mother, she was not used to someone doing things for her like holding the door. She is an independent, successful woman. It took me some time to convince her to let me do these things. Now, she will stand at the door and wait for me to open it. She’ll wait until I open the car door. She’ll hand me the grocery bag to carry it. As she has come to understand why it is so important for me to do these things, she has come to appreciate that it is important to me. I hope to be an example to you that you might also keep this dying practice alive.
As I look back over the years, I realize that having three sisters was quite a blessing. Not only because they are wonderful people, but also because I have learned to treat women as I would hope that my sisters would be treated. You will find that not all women want to be treated this way, but many do. Most are not used to it and, therefore, believe it a sign of weakness—I’ve been told by women that I was “too nice” or “too gentle”. Don’t let them sway you! For many women, their only example has been abusive, disrespectful men.
There is no fine line between politeness and being a doormat. It takes strength of character and integrity to behave graciously. One book that has influenced me is Man of Steel and Velvet, by Aubrey Andelin. Such a man will, with calloused hand, pick a daisy for the one woman who captivates his soul. Such a man can, at once, be moved to tears and anger at the sight injustice. Such a man is gentle and strong. Let no one ever try to convince you that your compassion is a sign of weakness. Let no one ever try to convince you that in doing for them you are implying that they are incapable. Treat all people with respect, no matter what their status.
As a young man, I was taught that there were added responsibilities that come with being a man. I did chores such as mowing the lawn, feeding the dog, taking out the trash, etc. But I also helped with the dishes, cleaned my room and the house, did laundry, and even learned to cook. Any woman should appreciate someone willfully doing the dirty, heavy work around the home. Certainly, they are capable, but it sends the message that you are important.
Society wants us to believe that men and women are equal in every way. The concept of equality, however, is a myth. We are not created equal (thankfully!). We are all blessed with unique genetics and experiences that make us unique and (extra)ordinary. So, it is not a bad thing to concede we are not equal—gender or otherwise. We should, rather, embrace the concept of equity. We should celebrate our individuality and treat one another with the same level of humanity.
Do all that you do not out of a perceived sense of superiority, but out of love. Do what you do as an act of giving—because the recipient is special in your eyes.
Practice manners wherever you go. Obviously, some venues will be more formal than others, but always conduct yourself appropriately. Set the example. Be a leader.
When you reply to others, say “sir” or “ma’am”. It annoys me when a student in one of my classes (or any young person, for that matter) calls me “dude”! I don’t require my students to call me anything, but it shows me that they respect my position when they call me “professor” or “doctor”. Refer to people by their title. Say “please” and “thank you”. These are simple courtesies that have fallen by the wayside.
When you enter a building, remove your hat!—particularly in buildings that lend themselves to a more respectful demeanor, e.g., churches and government buildings. I am not partial to hats in the first place, but I have been sensitive to the trend that men (young and old) are not removing their hats in certain circumstances as proper etiquette dictates. I have seen more and more men wearing their hats during the national anthem or prayers. I have seen hats in church. Men are sitting down to eat without removing their hat. Perhaps I am old-fashioned and a bit over-sensitive. I realize that times are different and that most people don’t care about such “minor” things, but, still, these are small acts that reflect one’s respect of others. Now, I am not questioning cultures in which a man might never remove his hat in public. I am referring to ever-present baseball cap or hat that is worn for fashion or to protect the bearer from the elements. It just seems fitting to remove said hat when you enter a building. Heck, I am not even asking you to tip your hat to a lady—although in some places this is very much the social norm.
I can’t begin to detail the proper etiquette for all social settings. The norm in society is ever-changing for one thing, and unfortunately some social etiquette is a thing of the past, but I do admonish you to be observant. Learn what is appropriate in each situation. Be a leader in preserving social custom. Practice polite behavior. Set the example. You will stand out among your peers, and it will benefit you in the long-run.
Many things that are common-sense courtesies are ignored by those who are lost in the self-centered universe. Everyone today, it seems, has a cell phone and they must use it constantly! The availability of communication is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, we can talk with anyone at any time. On the other hand, we can talk to anyone at any time. I applaud the states that have made it illegal to operate a hand-held cellular phone while driving. Of course, people tend to be every bit as clueless of their surroundings when they are walking down the street and talking on their phone. As well, people should realize that talking louder into the phone doesn’t make it any clearer for the person receiving the call. It is just that much more annoying to the people who are disturbed by the conversation. If you must take a phone call in a public place—e.g., a restaurant—be considerate of the other patrons and excuse yourself to a private area. Never offend your dinner partner by taking an unexpected call. This says to them, “Hold on, this conversation might be more interesting/important.” (For the same reason, I don’t like “call waiting”.) Don’t walk around with a hands-free on your ear. You look plain silly. (When I originally wrote this, hands-free was popular. Today, we mostly see people on speaker phone in public or talking into a headphone mic. The principle still applies.) Of course, use hands-free while you drive. Turn off your phone in libraries, classrooms, and meetings—anywhere you might disturb others. Unless you are waiting on a call that just can’t wait (and short of a call from your pregnant wife that she is in labor, I am hard pressed to think of any such call) your phone should be off as to not disrupt the class. Use the vibrate function in public. Use your phone with respect for others.
I mentioned the use of cellular phones while driving. This is one of many discourteous (and unsafe) behaviors practiced by numerous drivers today. Most courtesies are built into the driving laws but are hardly enforced. Don’t let this be an excuse to be discourteous! People rarely use turn signals to change lanes—always use yours. There is a joke that states that “You know you are in Michigan when you pass someone on the right going the speed limit.” [I originally wrote this when we lived in Michigan. Sadly, Oregon—and perhaps any state—could be substituted, here.] Know that those second and third lanes are for passing. Keep to the right. When you approach an on-ramp, move to the left whenever possible to allow the drivers entering the highway to merge. Yield to merging traffic. Be courteous and respectful of cyclists (and, if you are biking, be courteous and respectful of automobiles). Never cut off a car or a bicycle. Give room to motorcyclist and tractor trailers. Too often, people don’t think when they drive. If everyone would simply practice the “golden rule”—i.e., do unto others as you would have them do unto you—our roads would be much safer and there would less road rage and accidents.
The phrase “thank you” seems to have fallen from our vocabulary. These are two simple words that acknowledge the actions of another. Once, I went through the checkout of a grocery store in New York. The cashier proceeded to check out the person behind me without taking my money. When I brought this to her attention, she grabbed the $20 bill from my hand and returned my change without a word. I could have walked out of the store and left her register short, but I am not a dishonest person. That she couldn’t expend the small amount of breath to say “Thank you” is offensive. I was used to the cashiers in this store being less than courteous, but this was ridiculous. It was a far cry from the cashiers in east Texas where I found myself a few months later. At first, I thought that I had forgotten something when the cashier said “Y’all come back.” “Thank you” and “’preciate ya” (Texan for “we appreciate your business”) were commonplace. I felt welcomed and ‘preciated. I encourage you to include the phase “thank you” often in your vocabulary. Acknowledge even the smallest act. Let others know that they are ‘preciated! When you receive a gift or someone goes out of their way for you, follow up with a thank you card whenever possible. Take the time to recognize the kindness of others.
Take the time to recognize when another is down or in need. Offer words of encouragement. Be on Hallmarks preferred customer list, so to speak. Keep your local florist in business by sending flowers. The cost of these gifts is a small price to pay to make another person happy. Whenever you can, present your loved ones with such attention when they don’t expect it. Gifts at Christmas, anniversaries, and birthdays are expected (although you should never expect gifts—”it is better to give than receive”, it is said). A card or flowers that say “I was thinking of you” brighten the darkest day and are more meaningful. When cards or flowers aren’t possible or appropriate give the gift of a phone call. Make yourself available for others. Offer your time. Give the gift of you.
Never stand by and watch someone struggle. Perhaps it is unsafe, in this age, to stop and help a distressed motorist, but use that annoying cell phone to call for help. Help your neighbor with their grocery bags or a heavy box. Hold the door for people. Let someone go ahead of you in line. When you see someone struggling with an armful of items at the grocery, let them go ahead of you. Are we so important or in such a hurry that we can’t put others before ourselves? I should say not.
Perhaps, this lesson overlaps with the next (see “LESSON 7 – Love Your Neighbor”), and so it should. After all, what are manners but an outward show of our respect for others? If you consider the commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” you will naturally practice good manners. Never be rude. Always be considerate. Be a man of steel and velvet. Be firm, strong, and deliberate, but at the same time be gentle and kind. No one would dare call such a man “a wimp.” Rather, it is such a man who leads and is respected by all. Such is the man I know you will become. Be such a man.
Carpe momento!!
© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022