Month: September 2016

I made the comment this morning that “as I sent Liam off to school today I saw the last remnants of my little boy and the beginning emergence of a man. He is growing up. I am thankful for the coaches, teachers, and friends in his life that are shaping him into the man he will become.”  A friend responded: “And his parents!”

Of course, I am thankful for his mother.  She is a wonderful mother to our two children.  As for the father…?  My immediate cynical, self-deprecating, somewhat tongue-in-cheek response was “I am thankful that he is becoming who he is in spite of his father.”  True, I have a habit of deflecting compliments, but, in this case, I feel there to be a bit more truth to the statement than otherwise.

Our children see us at our worst.  They don’t see the façade that we put on for others.  Not that the façade is necessarily someone other than who we are, but our children see our flaws and our deeper selves revealed.  Nevertheless, we do our best as parents.  For better or for worse, our children become who they become, in part, because of who we are.  In most cases, I think it is true that our kids turn out pretty well in spite of our shortcomings.  We do our best and our children know it (though, sometimes, it takes many years to realize it).

There is a famous quote by Swedish physiologist, Per-Olaf Åstrand: “If you want to be an elite athlete, choose your parents wisely.”  It would be an interesting thing to consider, if, in fact, we did choose our parents.  We can’t be too hard on ourselves as parents.  Whatever the circumstances, our children are shaped by their environment.  We may regret our actions at times, but, just maybe, they are for a purpose greater than ourselves.  Ultimately, we are responsible for how we respond to our circumstances.  When our children turn out pretty good, well, the credit is theirs.

So, I do my best in my relationships with my family and friends.  I try to live my values of faith, family, friends, growth, health, and impacting others, and hope that this stands out to my wife and children—in spite of my flaws.

I believe I chose my parents well.  I trust that they believe I turned out pretty well in spite of them (really, because of them).  I wouldn’t change a moment in my life for fear of disrupting the present.  And I am truly thankful for the coaches, teachers, and friends who have such a profound influence upon my children (and who likewise influenced me).

As a parent, teacher, coach, and neighbor…be your best today; be better tomorrow.

“Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation… even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind.”—Leonardo da Vinci

As one pursues a growth plan, it is important to set goals and form sound habits.  We form habits from daily practice.  I wrote recently about SIDCHA (self-imposed daily challenging healthy activity)—a practice coined by Josh Spodek (http://joshuaspodek.com).  SIDCHA can develop self-disciple and facilitate our well-centeredness.  These can help one develop the skills to form life-long habits.  According to Josh Spodek, “If you want discipline, do things that need discipline.”  It is important, however, to not allow these activities to become merely routine. 

Activities like SIDCHA are purposeful.  Examples include cold showers, burpees, journaling, meditation, etc.  These help shape self-discipline and a goal-oriented mindset.  A key to choosing the right SIDCHA is selecting an activity that remains relatively difficult over time.  If the selected activity is too easy, or becomes easy, one will begin to do the activity with little thought or effort.

When we form habits for the purpose of growth and well-centered fitness, the principle of progression applies.  In other words, the challenge has to remain sufficiently difficult.  If not, there is no growth.

It is necessary when writing daily goals (such as, for the dimensions of well-centered fitness), for example, to write aspirations that grow with time. Otherwise, we just “do a growth plan”.  We no longer write “goals”.  When we write statements that merely acknowledge what we are already in the habit of doing, these are no longer a goals.  Once a habit is formed, it is time to move to the next habit.

If, for example, my personal fitness goal for today is to do 30 minutes of cardio exercise when I have been exercising as such 5 days a week for several months, I am not challenging myself.  There is no growth.  I need to move on to another opportunity for growth.  In exercise science, we refer to this as the “overload principle” (in order for a body system to adapt, it must be pushed to a level greater than that to which it is accustomed).  I need to move on to the next personal fitness challenge.

The same applies in the Spiritual, Intellectual, Emotional, and Social dimensions.  Remember: kaizen.  Our goal is continual growth (be your best today; be better tomorrow).

If you are in the habit of daily goal setting, look over your recent timeline.  Are your goals the same every day—day after day?  If so, and you are no longer in an intentional process of shaping a new habit, it is time to turn it up a notch or two.  Be progressive.  Practice “baby steps”, but keep stepping forward.  Challenge yourself daily.  Promote continual personal growth.  Personal achievement is a process not a destination, after all.

Carpe momento!

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”—Winston Churchill

I have written about the idea that one’s attitude shapes one’s attitude.  At all times, we have a choice in how we respond to the circumstances at hand.  When we start our day, we determine (for the most part) whether it will be a “good” day or a “bad” day—hence, the saying: “He got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

As we pursue a growth plan, one vital activity is shaping our mindset for the day.  Thus, the purpose of journaling.  Our Emotional “well-centeredness” is very much affected by the other dimensions (Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, and Social).  This is why I consider it a keystone dimension in well-centered fitness.  Our emotional state in most often a matter of choice.  Except in the most extreme conditions of mental health, we have a choice of responding in a more positive way or a more negative way to the circumstances and situations that present themselves.  Once we set the tone for our emotional state for the day, a sort of inertia takes effect.  In other words, we are going to continue in a more positive (or negative) emotional state until acted upon by other “emotional forces”.

When those external forces attempt to disrupt our emotional state, we have an immediate choice.  We can perceive these in one of three ways and respond accordingly.  We can see these as burdens, challenges, or opportunities.

When we perceive the circumstances that present themselves as burdens, we are likely to respond with resistance, pessimism, fear, doubt, anxiety, worry, anger, etc.  When choice these responses, we halt the positive emotional energy and quickly change the direction of our momentum.  Unless we retake control, these emotional forces are going to keep building in the negative direction unless acted upon by other more positive external “forces”.  Unfortunately, when we allow ourselves to view circumstances as burdens, we are yielding control to forces that are negatively oriented and our overall emotional momentum will be directed this way, and we are increasingly dependent upon others for our emotional well-centeredness (e.g., your children are walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting you).

When we perceive the circumstances that present themselves as challenges, we are certainly trying to continue in a more positive emotional state, but this takes tremendous energy.  We are constantly having to control our emotion—to force our happiness.  Our emotional well-centeredness becomes a net effect of our internal efforts and the external forces acting on us.  Thus, we are dependent on other sources of support.  This necessitates surrounding ourselves with “positive” people, altering the mood in our environment (e.g., surrounding ourselves with motivational posters—“Hang in there, baby.”), relying on our mantras and self-affirmations, and the like.  These are all good, but they take greater effort, and we are likely to become fatigued.

Our third option is to view our circumstances as opportunities.  When we choose this option, we set a positive emotional momentum that becomes increasingly difficult to overcome.  As well, we are better able to set the mood in the room, so to speak.

When we see the moment as an opportunity, we see the good that can come out of it and thus seek the good.  This approach is dependent upon the Spiritual and Social dimensions (and certainly to an extent the Physical and Intellectual dimensions) and channels back to the other dimensions in the process.  We understand that we are not at the center on the universe and that our lives are intertwined.  What we experience—hard as it may be—is always for a greater good.  In this approach, we see where this might be for the benefit of another, as well as for our own personal growth.

An exercise that I have recently found to be helpful is to consider the opportunities that confront me in the moment where I am.  It has had a profound effect on my emotional state.  Not that the results are perfect, but the momentum is building in the right direction.

You may not like your job, where you are living, the people you are working with/for, your income, your state of health, etc.; but, you don’t have to be miserable.  You (I) have the choice to dwell on how miserable it is making you, to bull your way through it, or to accept that it is what it is and look for the greater purpose in being where you are in this moment.  When we elect to consider the opportunities before us, we see the occasion to grow, to have tremendous impact on others, and to use this opportunity to become someone better than we were before.

Today will present a series of moments.  How we choose to respond in these moments has a most dramatic effect on subsequent moments.  Perhaps circumstances are out of our control, but the direction these occurrences take us is wholly in our control. 

Carpe momento!

So, the other day, I see the light on in our bonus room as I go downstairs to workout.  I go to turn it off and find my 11-year-old son playing on his PS4.  Apparently, he couldn’t sleep.  I (try) to limit his time playing video games, so he was informed that he was using his allocation for the day and there would be no PS4 after school.  Of course, I came home to him playing.  So, we had a little father-son chat.

My stern warnings and removal of privileges hasn’t seemed to be working.  So, instead, I took a more well-centered/growth-oriented approach.  We talked about goals—long-term and short-term goals, like his wanting to be an astronaut and to play in the NFL, as well as getting good grades in school.  Then, I asked the obvious question: “How is playing on the PS4 helping you achieve these goals?”  I conceded that recreational playing can help him relax and that some play time is appropriate, but, when it came to these bigger goals, he understood (as well as an 11-year-old can understand) that extended gaming is not going to help him improve in sports or school.  I am hopeful that he will shift more of his focus toward other things.  Time will tell.

This discussion with my son caused me to consider my own use of time. Two questions come to mind that we should ask ourselves before we do something:

“Is this consistent with my mission?”

“Is this helping me to further my goals?”

If we can answer ‘yes’, then it is likely a better use of our time.  I think about things like Facebook.  It is easy to get caught up in scrolling our friends’ posts and convince ourselves that we are acting in the Social dimension.  Perhaps, we are.  The question remains, though, are the actions we are taking really furthering our goals in the Social dimension.  Sure, I am “interacting” with my friends, but am I adding value to the interaction or just wasting someone’s time.  With increasing frequency, I am questioning some of the time I am spending on social media—in reading posts, watching shared videos, commenting on posts, etc.  The more I question the value of the time spent, the more I have to question the value of the content that I share.  So, again, I come back to the questions:

“Is this consistent with my mission?”

“Is this helping me to further my goals?”

My mission statement reads:

“My mission is to faithfully honor and love my God, my family, and my neighbors; to pursue growth in all dimensions of my life; and to have a positive impact on the lives of others.”

This coincides with my values: faith, family, friends, growth, health, and impacting others.  (I am third.)  All that I do, then, should fit this frame. 

I frequently mention the idea of “opportunity cost”.  There is a cost to everything we do.  Whether it is playing Destiny on the PS4 or spending hours scrolling through Facebook—or whatever the time-eating vice may be—one has to consider the value gained and lost in doing what one is doing in the moment.  This is where our growth plan comes into play.  By journaling, setting goals, and having a mission statement, we set the course for our day.  Time is never wasted if it is consistent with our growth plan.  (In my son’s defense, he plays his games with his friends—albeit, over the Internet.  I give him some slack, because he has few friends in the immediate neighborhood and this is the only way he can interact with some of his friends on a daily basis.  I am realizing that it just isn’t the 1970s anymore!)

We need a certain amount of down-time—of leisurely slothdom.  We just need to be careful, and make sure that it fuels our growth and does not act to stifle us.

Every moment is a choice.  How will we spend it?

Carpe momento!

“You learn nothing from your successes except to think too much of yourself. It is from failure that all growth comes, provided you can recognize it, admit it, learn from it, rise about it, and then try again.”—Dee Hock

Kaizen is the Japanese word for continuous improvement. It is a theme that is central to “well-centered fitness”.

It is pretty much a daily thing for me to tell my children to fail. I want them to take (intelligent) risks—to try new things.

My son is a three-sport athlete. Whether it is football, wrestling, or lacrosse, I ask him to recite our mantra: “be your best today; be better tomorrow”. I encourage him to not be afraid to make mistakes. Thankfully, he has outstanding coaches who teach the athletes and help them see beyond their errors.

In sports and in life, we need to be encouraged to make mistakes—particularly in practice. When an athlete takes risks in practice—plays to his or her weaknesses—the athlete prepares to perform at the highest level in competition (the athlete doesn’t have to over-think in competition and reactions are natural—and, more often than not, correct).

Vince Lombardi famously said: “Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect.” This is true to a point, but it ignores that perfection is elusive. It is important to note that Coach Lombardi also said that “perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.” In other words, we challenge ourselves to get better at every execution—we push toward perfection with every effort.

We are not growing if we are not failing. We are not failing if we are not challenging ourselves. We are not challenging ourselves if we are not taking risks.

I have a recent discussion with a colleague about the culture in academia surrounding “failure”. To her, the fear of failure among students is the result of “shaming”—that students will do anything to avoid the appearance of failing. From my perspective it is more a result of young people being sheltered from failure. We disagree on this, but there is agreement that young people need to “learn to risk more, try more, and develop skills and tools necessary for coping with and learning from those failures.”

We do our society a disservice when we discourage failure (whether through shame or sheltering). The result is both an unwillingness to extend one’s comfort zone and risk failing and a complete collapse of confidence when one does fail.

I am not a fan of “everyone gets a trophy”. Additionally, I am not a fan of so-called “helicopter parents” who shield there children from any disappointment. In both cases, the young person gains a false sense of success.

I might get the “worst parent of the year” award for this, but, early in my son’s wrestling, I responded to his telling me that so-and-so “said I suck” by telling him “Well, you do suck.” I followed this with telling him that he is not applying himself and that he will get better only if he tries hard and does his best in practice. He understood, of course, that I didn’t really think he “sucked”. He knew that the message was that, if you want to be good at anything, you must work hard at improving.

Surely, a better parent might have approached this differently, but at the time I felt it was the message that would best resonate with him. In the time since, I have watched him deal more or less effectively with disappointment—all the time growing in self-discipline and character. In expecting my children to fail, I expect them to learn the consequences of their actions. In time, their choices will be increasingly successful, and they will be willing to challenge themselves and seek kaizen.

Stephen M. R. Covey, in The Speed of Trust, suggests two strategies for maximizing efforts to get better: “seek feedback, and learn from mistakes”. These strategies apply to us in our roles as performers, as well as in our roles as educators, coaches, managers, and parents. We need to encourage ourselves and others to take intelligent risks—to push the envelope—and let ourselves fail. As Dee Hock, founder and former CEO of Visa credit card association, so aptly stated, we have to “recognize it, admit it, learn from it, rise about it, and then try again.”

Be your best today; be better tomorrow.

Sometimes, we just need a little change. I have written before about the idea of an “environment of excellence.” I associated this with the key people around whom one surrounds one’s self—including the idea of a mastermind group. People, though, are only a part of our environment for (extra)ordinary success.

Wherever you are reading this, take a look around. Does the space you are in inspire you? If you could change it, what would you change?

Our attitude is shaped by wall color, furnishings, décor, music, people, etc. If you are uninspired by your surroundings, your performance will certainly suffer.

I wrote recently about my move from Michigan to Oregon and the negative feelings that evolved. I considered how I had convinced myself that my circumstances had diminished my capacity to be impactful.

The move was a big change. We saw it as an opportunity, but I also began to dwell on the opportunities that were left behind. You know how we tend to start thinking that “the grass is greener”? Well, that was literally one of the thoughts that crossed my mind. My yard in Michigan was meticulous. (I took pride in mowing stripes in my grass—to the point that I tried to line them up such that they would pass through the house, and, when I mowed the grass for our neighbor across the street, they lined up with hers, as well. I was/am a bit compulsive.) Our lawn in Oregon is not quite as nice. The weather and clay soil challenge my desire for a “perfect” lawn. It always seems too wet or too dry. I have accepted my new lawn, but there remained cause for comparisons.   One particular comparison is the houses.

Our house in Michigan was a beautiful new custom farm-style house. It was big and well constructed. Ii had a basement that was half finished and half unfinished. In the unfinished area, I had a spacious well-equipped home gym. Our home in Oregon is about 25 years old and needed some immediate up-grades. We’ve put on a new roof, changed the exterior color, removed some trees, replaced the deck, added a patio, did some landscaping, and have painted some of the interior, but….

My current gym? Well, basements are pretty much non-existent here. So, my gym now takes up about half the space I had in Michigan and is housed in the garage.

Recently, we undertook a remodel of the dated kitchen, replaced the railing to the upstairs, and resurfaced the floors in the kitchen and living/dining room. Coincident with my renewed focus on my growth plan, these changes have sparked my creativity and enthusiasm for being where I am today.

It should not take a complete makeover of your home, but small changes in your environment can have a dramatic effect on your demeanor. Even a simple tidying of one’s work space can affect productivity.

So, look around. What does your space need? Organization? Pictures of the family? An inspirational poster or quote on the wall? A cheerful coat of paint? What will create a well-centered work space or living space for you?

Our environment should reflect our core values and mission statement. It should refresh us and inspire us. Our environment sets the tone for our day. It determines whether we are creative or uninspired. It determines whether we are productive or simply passing the time.

Do you exercise or want to exercise? (You should, by the way!) Is the environment conducive to your success? Are you listening to upbeat and energetic music? Do the surroundings make you want to exercise? (My home gym is not my ideal, but I make it work, and it is functional, albeit tight spaced. I make up for the lack of space with an excellent workout music mix on Spotify.)

If you are falling short in your growth plan or simply feeling on the successful side of mediocre, or if you just need a boost in morale, change your environment. Make some small change today and observe the compounding effect. Let your space excite you. Let your space be (extra)ordinary! Let is bring out your best, today! Eliminate the elements of your environment that feed your negativity. Let your environment speak to the opportunities that are before you.

Carpe momento!

“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”—Brian Tracy

Very often in life, we are moved into situations that for whatever reasons are not what we expected or less than our ideal. When we enter into such times, we have a choice. We can choose a path of bitterness and resentment, or we can choose a path of growth. The former spirals into an ever-worsening condition that, in turn, poisons other circumstances in our life. The latter leads us to the fulfillment of our Purpose.

When we focus on the opportunities before us, we begin to zero in on the positives of our given situation, and the negatives diminish. If, on the other hand, we emphasize the (perceived) undesirable prospects, we simply grow less and less content, and our opportunity to positively impact others lessens.

I have begun a daily practice of examining the opportunities that are presented to me right where I am. The result has been the cultivation of gratitude and a greater sense of Purpose. Specifically, I am reminded of my own mantra: “I am third”. Thus, I realize, that I am not where I am or in the situations I find myself for me. Rather, I have a growing sense that I am where I am for others.

Eight years ago, this week, I arrived in Oregon with my wife, two children, a dog, and a cat. We left great jobs (one by choice and the other not so). We left a beautiful home in Michigan and moved (temporarily) into a two-bedroom apartment. I started a new job, while Pam was still looking. It was a significant cut in pay and the commute is long. I was also taking a step back in academic rank (moving down from Associate Professor to Assistant Professor). Despite all this, we were certain that this was where we were supposed to be, and, for a while, I remained confident that it was. Over time, however, my optimism waned. Fading optimism gave way to pessimism and cynicism. I began to see every fault and flaw in where I was. This is not what it means to be “well-centered”.

Strengthening my growth habits has helped to turn this around. Still, focusing on my growth plan needed a bit of a push. I renewed my commitment to my values: faith, family, friends, growth, health, and impacting others. It was the desire to impact others that was tripping me up. I had convinced myself that my circumstances had diminished my capacity to be impactful. To the contrary, I was losing my ability to impact others because I had lost my vision.

In short order, the consideration of my opportunities led to gratitude and the recognition that I was having an impact, just maybe not the way I wanted to be impactful. I had been defining my own Purpose and failing miserably.

We have a tendency to think that we make our place in the world. A better realization is that our world makes our place. Where we find ourselves in any given moment shapes us. It not only shapes us, but our circumstances shape the others in our lives.

I am realizing that my children have the opportunity to forge experiences and relationships here that could not be had anywhere else but here and now, and that these will shape them for their unique Purposes. I am not necessarily where I am or in the circumstances I find myself for me, per se. It is quite likely that I am a bystander is someone else’s growth plan.

I am also realizing that my teaching, my writing, my relationship, and everything I touch are inspired by where I am.  This realization has been profound. It has opened the gates of gratitude. I shifted my thoughts from what I don’t have to what I do have. Suddenly, what I had come to see as disadvantages has now become an enlightened sense that my role is larger than self.

When we recognize the opportunity that presents itself, we can express gratitude for where we are. Our gratitude drives our negativity and pessimism. The void is then filled to optimism and hopefulness. There is a dramatic shift in attitude. We grow increasingly excited to be in the moment. We are able to… carpe momento!

I have commented before that one of my treasured belongings is an old copy of Gale Sayer’s autobiography, I Am Third. The title is based on a quote that Sayers adopted from his track coach at Kansas: “The Lord is first, my friends are second, and I am third.”   I paraphrase this a bit (“…my family and friends are second”) and think of this as a mantra and reflection of my core values.

There is a popular movement in Christian circles: I am second. While I understand and respect the intent, I have trouble accepting the phrase. For one, there is no mention of my responsibility to others. For me, it is critical that I constantly remind myself that I am third. As second, the door is wide open for me to let selfishness rule my heart. It is my selfish desires, however, that most often lead me to anger, bitterness, resentfulness, etc. The idea that I am second, to me, promotes a notion that God is at the center of the universe but so am I. (This is, of course, not the intent of the movement.)

“I am third” forces me (allows me) to dismiss my self-centered desires and put my God and my family/friends at the center—diminishing my concern for self. It is a message to me that the needs of others come before my own. It is, after all, the placement of my needs before others that leads me down a wrong emotional path—that pulls me off center.

Now, some will say, “but you gotta take care of yourself first.” Yes and no. Of course, we need to care for our health and personal safety, but we do this for others. We don’t do this solely for our own self-preservation.

When my mood is abrasive, it is usually because I am focused on myself. Sure people can be jerks; but, am I reacting to them being a jerk or am I reacting to them being a jerk to me? More often than not, it is because someone’s behavior is directly impacting me—or I am perceiving it as such.

Now jerks will be jerks, but I am not a jerk (at least I don’t want to be). So, why do I respond so often to the most minor slights with an angry response? I can’t blame the behavior of others (though I try). I have to take responsibility for my own actions (or reactions).

I was reminded recently of Stephen Covey’s writing about the space between the stimuli and our response. Too often (especially when our Emotional dimension is off ever so slightly), we react without thinking or out of habit—I think sometimes that cursing is more of a habit than an expression of our thoughts and emotions. Covey taught that we can and should extend the space between the stimuli and the response. We need to allow ourselves time to consider our response and prevent ourselves from responding negatively. Thus, we can create a habit of responding in more productive and pleasant ways. Even the slightest altering of tone can prevent us from losing control of our emotions.

How many times have we heard to “pause before you speak”, “count to ten when you get angry”, etc.? The simple act of delaying the response for just a fraction of a second is sufficient to get self out of the way of our response. If only it were so easy!

I write to my own pursuit of “well-centeredness” when I say that we need to be intentional in doing for others and be service-minded. Ultimately, true happiness and peace come from helping others. Selfishness leads to only to unhappiness (remember The Christmas Carol?) Self-service is unrewarding.

Every moment, we make a choice (albeit subconsciously, in most cases) to react positively or negatively. The decision we make in that moment, subsequently, affects how we respond in the next moment of decision. Before unpleasant events send us spiraling downward, we have to be proactive and set our mind and emotions on a positive course. We need to regularly pause and check our emotional compass. We need to prepare ourselves from the moment we rise in the morning for whatever the day may bring. We have to create for ourselves an environment of excellence that exorcises pessimism and facilitates our positivity. We must, daily, cultivate the things that will give us emotional well-centeredness: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and, above all, self-control.

Carpe momento!