Author: armstrong.wou@gmail.com

LESSON 12–Give the Love You Desire

The love that you want is the love that you give.–The String Cheese Incident

You will spend your life wanting to be loved. In many cases, this will come easy. When it comes to matters of the heart, however, love does not come easy. It requires effort on your part—effort that is well worth it.

Don’t be in a rush to fall in love. Love will come when it is ready. In the meantime, master the art of making love.

The phrase, “making love” is most often associated with the act of sexual intercourse. This is not at all what I am referring to. Rather, I mean that you should act toward others in such a way that a loving relationship naturally develops. Love is an act of giving, not receiving. For most, sex is a matter of self-gratification. Perhaps the English language would be more accurate if it were to use the phrase “getting love” when referring to sex. Proper “love-making,” however, necessitates that you put the needs of the other ahead of self. Love should be selfless. Therefore, it requires so much work.

You will go through numerous phases with women over the course of your life. Early on you will be ambivalent or think that girls are “yucky.” In time, however, these feelings will give way to an awkward compulsiveness. Soon, you will become more comfortable with women and, later, want to settle down with one special woman. Don’t be in a hurry to find that “special one.” First, master the art of making love.

I wish I had figured out at a much earlier age the wisdom I pass on to you. Wisdom, nonetheless, comes with experience. I am blessed to have found your mother—if, indeed, anyone ever “finds” their soul mate. I might have had a more enjoyable social life, however, if I had known better.

I missed out in high school. My shyness and insecurity hindered my dating experience. I ran away from some opportunities and choked on some others. Often, I was more concerned with what my friends might think rather than how the girls might feel. I left feelings hurt and missed out on some good friendships. Don’t be foolish like your father. Learn from my mistakes.

When you begin dating, let your motivation be getting to know women. Don’t look on the outward appearance or the popularity of the girl. Date widely—that is, date even those girls to whom you have no physical attraction. Chances are you will find that you have more in common with the girls than you first thought. Realize that there are valuable qualities in all people. Sometimes—perhaps often—the less popular girls are flowers waiting to bloom. I think high school reunions in your future will prove me correct. It won’t be the women you were too insecure to date as a teenager who will catch you eye as a man. It will be those outward beauty catches up with their inward loveliness.

Not every date you go on needs to be romantic. In fact, I would discourage you from dating romantically until late college at best. Don’t rate girls on their potential as girlfriends or mates. Seek to have many girl-friends. I am certain, then, you will find yourself very popular with the ladies.

Don’t be afraid to go against popular opinion. Don’t feel like you need to date the most beautiful or popular girl in school. Rather, consider dating those girls who, perhaps, aren’t dated as often. It doesn’t have to be a big deal either. It might only be to go for a walk, hike, or bike ride. It might only be to go for an ice cream cone. It might be to go to a sporting event or a free concert. You often don’t have to spend a dime. All it might cost you is a few hours of your time—time you would have spent doing what you are doing anyhow.

When you date, make it about her. Don’t spend time talking about yourself. Ask questions. Make her laugh. Make her feel good about herself. Help her recognize the beauty that lies inside. Encourage her. Love her.

While you might find one special girl you want to spend your time with, avoid the temptation to have a steady girlfriend. Certainly, don’t date with the intent of finding a girlfriend. If you do, first, you will be more susceptible to heartache; and second, you will miss opportunities. Date widely. Have many girl-friends. If there is one special girl, fine. But don’t date exclusively and don’t be possessive. Let her date widely as well.

Don’t be in a rush to become sexually active. There is plenty of time for this later in life. The number of sexually active teenagers is staggering. And, with the epidemic comes a host of problems—teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, suicide, rape, distorted self-images, etc. Respect women as if they were your own sister. Be patient and control the overwhelming urges that come with puberty. Practice self-control. Practice the art of making love, not love-making.

After experiencing the diversity of women, then you can begin to identify the qualities to which you are most attracted. Now as a more mature male, you can begin to experience the blessings of exclusivity. Begin to make love on a deeper level. Be willing to reveal more of yourself and expose your weaknesses. Yes, you are now more vulnerable to heartbreak, but, if you make more educated choices based on years of experience dating widely, you will be less likely to experience pain. Much of the heartache we experience is the result of not seeing incompatibility from the start. It is from jumping into relationships out of loneliness and insecurity. Exclusive dating should come at that time in life when you feel ready to consider settling down, not when you are emotionally and socially immature.

I met your mother later in life (I was 40 years old) when I was most ready. She is worth the wait. I hope that you will be as happy in marriage as I am. It is the result, though, of knowing what I wanted (and needed) and being patient. Be patient and you, too, will find the love you desire. I know you will.

When you find the one that you are meant to be with, yield yourself to her. Make her desires your desires. I am not saying that you should become a doormat—absolutely not. If you have chosen wisely, you will find that your desires are mutual, but, in cases where your desires differ, it is a sign of strength to sacrifice your will for the will of your partner. It is a weak man who goes against conscious or conviction to do as his wife demands. It is a strong man who determines that giving happiness to his wife is nobler than serving self. Choosing other over self is an act of love. Go into any relationship with the philosophy that “My God is first, my family and friends are second, and I am third” and you will be successful.

It is a challenge to yield oneself to another. Instinct is one of self-preservation. Man, however, is separated from beast by one thing—the spirit in man that allows us to enter relationships for something more than procreation. Man has the capacity to feel and express emotion. The challenge is to control and to express these feelings effectively.

Communication is critical to a successful relationship. I am still a novice at this (even at this rewrite), but even minimal improvement in skill has had a dramatic positive effect on my relationships. It is hard for us to express our needs. More often, we demand our needs be met and neglect to consider the need of others first. Stephen Covey considers one’s ability to “seek first to understand and then to be understood” as one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And rightly so.

One of the best things your mother and I did in preparation for marriage was read Harville Hendrick’s Getting the Love You Want and attending an Imago workshop. We learned that our life experiences cause us to react in certain ways that are often contrary to our spouse’s needs. Recognizing these needs and altering our reactions—as well as expressing our own needs in a non-demanding fashion—create a more peaceful relationship that expresses love on a deeper plane. We still have our moments (yes, even after all these years), but, overall, we are happier and more satisfied in our relationship. In fact, we probably would not be together had we not begun to practice such communication early in our relationship.

Know that getting the love you desire requires work. In science, we learn that energy and momentum are conserved (e.g., energy can be neither created nor destroyed). Love, however, does not follow any physical laws. Love is spiritual; hence, it follows spiritual laws. Love given is multiplied many-fold. The love you share with another individual is not only returned many times over, but it also spreads to others. You share your happiness with others. Perhaps not directly, but your emotional state carries over to everyone with whom you come in contact.

Love is a great and wonderful thing that cannot be taken lightly. If you want to be loved, you must first love others. Make love wherever you go. Thus, you will receive abounding love in return. When others resist your love, love harder. Cast off selfish desires. Know than selfishness is a hard skin to shed. When it overtakes you, it becomes so deeply imbedded that it is hard to remove. I wish I could say that I was a truly selfless and caring individual, but I am not. I can be stubborn and uncompassionate. I can be hard-nosed and insensitive at times. Discipline and integrity can often be coupled with impatience and intolerance. Sometimes, unfortunately, I remain trapped in this predicament. I recognize it, however, and hope that I do not pass it on. Rather, it is my hope that you will not be like me and will, from the start, be compassionate and understanding. I hope that you will be selfless. My friend, Lynn, jokingly asks of her husband: “When is he going to realize that I am the center of his world?” Of course, she doesn’t really mean this, but is reflects the problems in most relationships and why more than half of today’s marriages end in divorce. People don’t get the love they desire because they don’t first make love with others. Be a strong man with compassion—a man of “steel and velvet.” Don’t let anyone convince you that being selfless is being weak. It is a weak man that demands his way and takes love. It is a strong man who can say “your happiness is most important to me” and makes love. To get love, give love. Give the love you desire!

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022

LESSON 11–Your Body is a Temple

When I first wrote this, Liam, you were only 46 hours old; so young and untainted by foolhardy living—unscarred by physical injury (except for your head—you tried but couldn’t quite fit through the birth canal). I looked at you in awe of your perfect little body (if 9 lb. 40 oz. is “little”?). I looked forward to watching you grow and seeing the man that you become. What will your body type be? How have your mother’s and my genes come together?

Today, as edit this, you are approaching 17 years old, over 6’3” and 220 lbs. You have grown and continue to grow—maturing toward manhood.

Whatever your body becomes, take good care of it. Treat your body as a temple. That is, respect it and care for it. Do nothing that will unnecessarily harm or injure your body. Eat and live healthy. Practice proper hygiene. Exercise. Be active. Challenge yourself but take intelligent risks. Be balanced. Practice moderation.

Be comfortable with your body. At times, you will feel awkward as your body develops. Be certain that you are not the only one who experiences this. You will have spurts of growth. You may at times feel too tall or too short; too fat or too skinny. You may feel unattractive. You may be insecure and self-conscious. Know that this is perfectly normal. Everyone experiences this—even classmates and peers that seem to have it all together. Accept who you are and seek to be the best you that you can be. Don’t let anyone convince you that you are something you are not.

You are a unique creation. No better and no worse than anyone else. Never consider yourself to be superior or inferior to anyone—only different. You are created with a unique Purpose and the gifts to go with it. Viva la difference!

Never let the comments of others trouble you. Maintain a neat, clean, healthy appearance. Be well-groomed and fit. Your body physique will probably not be “perfect” by media standards but know that the media are wrong. There is no perfect body. Magazines and television may promote one thing but look around you. How many people do you see that really look like this? Very few. In fact, you are more likely to see an image of poor health. Don’t accept an impossibly high standard for yourself. On the other hand, do not succumb to a lowered standard either. Don’t struggle to be anyone more than or settle for anyone less than the best Liam you can be. Treat your body as a temple. Treasure it. Care for it. Accept it.

Do not smoke. Stay away from tobacco smoke to the best of your ability—that is, avoid second-hand, as well as first-hand smoke. Smoke no form of tobacco, and don’t believe that smoking a pipe or cigar is not the same as a cigarette. Though you may not inhale as much directly, realize that you are creating your own secondary smoke. Keep your lungs healthy. Respect the rights of others to breath clean air. Smoking is not cool. Smoking is not attractive. Smoking is deadly.

When I first had the opportunity to teach a pathophysiology course to undergraduate sports medicine/exercise science students, it became obvious that tobacco smoke should be avoided at all costs. I told my students that, if they were uncertain of the answer to a multiple-choice exam question and “stop smoking” was a response, they should select “stop smoking”. In numerous (possibly, the majority) of health conditions, “stop smoking” is recommended in the prevention and treatment of the disease. I believe that, if we could eliminate smoking from the world, we would make great strides in eliminating much disease. Certainly, not all disease is linked to smoking, and you will find exceptions in apparently healthy people who have smoked for much of their life but be certain that you will be much better off never to have smoked.

Choose the foods you eat wisely. Eat a balanced diet and drink a lot of water. When it comes to diet, the simplest advice I can give is to eat foods high in fiber and low in fat.

Maintain a proper body composition. That is, carry only the fat your body needs and maintain good muscle tone. Your body needs some fat to be healthy. Note that even the body builders and fitness models you see in media are not always as lean as you see them. Too much fat, however, is as unhealthy as it is unsightly. As well, don’t go to extreme measures to have excessive muscle mass. Exercise. Lift weights. Eat healthy. Don’t devote excessive hours to body-building. Take no drug or harmful supplement to have a “perfect physique.” Avoid short-cuts. Train hard and train correctly—but don’t let it consume you. Practice moderation.

Exercise regularly for our health. Exercise for cardiorespiratory fitness. Resistance train for muscle strength and muscle endurance. Stretch for flexibility. Seek to maintain optimal fitness. Don’t let exercise consume your life, but don’t let life consume you and prevent you from participating in a moderate level of physical activity.

Don’t take too much stock in your outward appearance. Develop the inward man. Develop character and integrity. Develop eternal beauty—the beauty that radiates from the inside out. So many people are chasing a superficial beauty that fades faster than a springtime blossom. No amount of cosmetic surgery or makeup can hide what lies within. Vanity and conceit are destructive. Someone who has a kind and compassionate heart, however, is always beautiful despite age or scarring. Take care of what is on the inside. What is on the outside will follow.

Be adventurous but be careful. Dad always says to me, “Measure twice; saw once.” Don’t take uncalculated risks that can lead to bodily harm. Go rock-climbing or whitewater kayaking, if you like, but don’t act foolishly. Know what you are doing, know your skill and experience level.

Do not participate in self-destructive behavior. Avoid drugs. Drink alcohol only in moderation. Think safety first. Wear your seat belt. Wear a helmet (and wear it correctly) when you bike, rollerblade, skateboard, whitewater kayak/raft, rock climb, etc. Know the proper safety measures for what activities you participate. Life is not without risks—unless you do nothing. Any physical activity has inherent risks, but this should not deter you from experiencing life. Be active. Be adventurous. Be prepared. Practice under the supervision of a skilled teacher. Access the current and portage around rapids that are beyond your skill level—In other words, live to try another day. There is no shame in admitting that you are not ready to do something. Don’t let peer pressure to do anything that will bring you bodily harm.

Alcohol is a personal choice. I enjoy an occasional pint. There is no inherent good or evil in the consumption of alcohol. There is inherent danger. There is the potential for abuse and addition. Abstain, if you feel there is any possibility that it will consume you. Otherwise, partake in moderation.

Avoid drunkenness. Never drink and drive. I repeat, Never drink and drive!! Do not get in a car with a driver who has been drinking. Do not let a friend get behind the wheel of a car if he or she has been drinking. Call a cab. Call me. Better yet, don’t drink alcohol when it might lead to irresponsible behavior.

Live clean. Avoid vices, but also practice proper hygiene. Keep yourself well-groomed. Shower/bathe regularly. Brush and floss. See a dentist on a regular basis. Use deodorant. Wear clean clothes. Comb your hair.

Abstain from sexual relationships until you are physically and emotionally ready—until you are married. Yes, this sounds old-fashioned, but it will not only protect you from sexually transmitted diseases and having a child with someone you don’t love—or possibly do not know. Rather, it will allow you greater intimacy with the woman you marry. I will talk to you more about this in the next lesson.

Take care of your emotional health as well as your physical health. Avoid distressful situations. When life becomes burdensome, seek help. Life will have ups and downs. Share these with others. Don’t try to go it alone. Develop a circle of close friend in whom you trust and can confide. Talk to your family. Be open. When you are troubled, know that there are people who care.

A temple is built with mortar and stone, but it is also filled with the presence of God.

Live your faith. Researchers have shown that there is a strong correlation with health in people who practice their religion. This is more than merely going to church once a week. It is a way of life. Live your life for others and your temple will be complete.

Son, I beseech you. Treat your body as a temple. Live your life such as to maintain good health and to be injury-free. Avoid excess. Avoid that which weakens the flesh and the spirit. Do no harm to yourself or to others. Accept your body and have no distorted perceptions of it. Treat your body well and it will serve you well. Be active. Experience the healthful pleasures of life. Live. Live well. And, to quote Lance Armstrong, “Live strong.”

You have been given a tremendous gift in the body you have received. Treasure it. Care for it. Nurture it. Keep it clean and godly. Remember always that your body is a temple. Live your life accordingly.

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong

LESSON 10–The Value of an Education

Knowledge will be one of your greatest possessions. Seek to gain knowledge in all that you do. Knowledge is, after all, power. Knowledge is wisdom. So, in life, learn all you can from books and schooling; experience what is valuable to your personal development; and make time to reflect on what you have learned and experienced. Learn, experience, reflect—these should be a part of your life from your first breath to your last.

From the moment you were born—and, perhaps, even before you were born—you began acquiring knowledge. As an infant the world was new to you. The amount of learning that occurs in the first years of life is astonishing. But this learning only begins to prepare you for the knowledge you will gain later in life. Learning your ABCs only prepares you to read. The ability to read—and the desire to read—is a most priceless part of your education. When I was a child, there was a public service campaign on television promoting that “reading is fundamental.” This statement is every bit as true today. Read as much and as often as you can.

Television and the movies have largely affected the amount of reading we do as a society. We are a culture that demands immediate gratification and to be entertained. Why take weeks to read a book, when Hollywood can sum it up in less than two hours? Granted, there is value in some movies and some television, and it is good relax and be entertained, but never neglect the printed word. Few have ever said that the movie was better than the book. Reading exercises your brain and stimulates your imagination. Through books you can travel to places that life might never take you. It opens worlds much different than your own. It opens you to the minds of other people and shares with you their thoughts and experiences.

Read as much as you can. Read a variety of books. Read friction, as well as nonfiction. Read poetry. Read the classics, as well as the modern best-sellers. Read history and science. Read philosophy. Read fantasy and reality. Read textbooks, as well as popular magazines. Read as much as you can get your hands on. Learn!

Books can go with you everywhere, but, more importantly, what you read in those books can be carried with you forever. Make use of the public library system. React to libraries and bookstores like a child reacts in a candy store. Be excited by all the thrilling “treats” that sit on the shelves ready to be enjoyed. Go to the library often. Acquire a personal library, as well. Enjoy reading and make reading a habit.

Beyond reading, you will have to go to school. I will do my part to make sure you have good teachers, and I will help you with your studies. In return, do your best. Take your schooling seriously and never undervalue your education. Demand that your teachers challenge you and never take the easy route. There will be numerous courses in school that you will believe to be useless—some, perhaps, will be to some degree—bear with these and seek to gain something out of them. Most courses, however, will be beneficial. Perhaps, now they will seem of little value, but there is always some value in knowledge. Therefore, give your full effort in doing well.

As a college professor, I am frustrated by the attitudes of some students, who want to be taught only that information which is going to be on the test. It is unfortunate that many young people are moved through the grade-levels being taught to the standardized tests. These students are being robbed of an understanding of the value of knowledge for knowledge’s sake. Somewhere in their education, they were cheated.

Teachers should create in their students an insatiable appetite for knowledge—a hunger pang in their brain that can never be satisfied. Instead, they make education, on one hand, boring or, on the other hand, empty entertainment. What an awful shame. Demand more of your teachers. Ask questions. Have an inquiring mind. In so doing, you will—hopefully—reawaken their enthusiasm for teaching, as well. A teacher worth his or her salt will want to be challenged and will enjoy teaching.

Respect your teachers. I can’t say that I always did this—particularly substitutes—and this I regret. I was fortunate that from kindergarten to graduation I was (overall) blessed with outstanding teachers, who have had a profound effect on my life. I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to teachers like Mr. Smith, Mrs. Moore, Ms. Romano, Mrs. Mooreland, and so many more, who taught me English, Literature, History, Science, Math, Social Studies, Art, Music, Drama, Physical Education, and a host of other topics. Value your teachers and respect them by behaving in class, being attentive, and expecting much from them.

Beyond books and the classroom, experience life. Enjoy the theater. Enjoy music and art. Travel. See the world, not only though books, but also by experience. Explore. Hike, climb, bike, or kayak—any mode of travel. See the world up close.

Learn about other cultures. Go to museums, restaurants, and befriend people of all races, religions, and ethnic origins. Take pleasure in the company of people. Learn about them. Enjoy diversity. Experience the wealth of differences you find in the world.

There is so much out there beyond your back door. Beyond the community in which you live. Experience it. See it. Make it a part of your education.

Try many things—that is, try those things which are of value. I am not suggesting that you experiment with drugs and sex and the like—absolutely not. Don’t put your life in danger. Rather try things that make you a better person. Explore your talents. Try art. Try music. Try acting. Try different sports.

Don’t limit yourself. Experience different tastes—tastes in music, art, literature. Go to musicals and enjoy stage acting. See art up close. Learn the difference between Monet and Manet; Remington and Rembrandt; impressionism and cubism. Enjoy that in one hand the violin can be a melodic concerto and in another the hee haw of “Cotton-eyed Joe.” See the many sides of Broadway—be it Les Misérables or Spamelot. Enjoy the good in all music—classical, jazz, big band, rock, disco, country, bluegrass, …, hip-hop, and bebop. Some things you will like. Other things you will not. It doesn’t matter. Just experience them.

As you learn and experience, take time to reflect. Take quite time to yourself and consider all that you are learning and experiencing. How does it all fit together? Where does it all fit with your Purpose? “What is the meaning of life?” is, perhaps, an unanswerable question—at least currently in your existence, but it is worth pondering. Take a break now and then and ask yourself the deeper questions of life. Search for answers. Philosophize. Think. Look deep into the blue sky or the stars of heaven on a clear night and dare to ask yourself “Why?” Ask, and be still. Listen for the answer. Reflect.

Pray. Ask God for guidance. Meditate. Let God answer in his time. Don’t try to force the answers you want to hear. Listen.

Seek places where you can be alone in your thoughts. Such places can be found deep in the woods, high on a mountain top, along the banks of a stream, paddling alone on a quite lake or stream, or sitting on a rock in the desert. Such places can even be found in the city—I often found Central Park a refuge in New York City, but one can also escape by closing his/her eyes and relaxing to the rocking of a subway car. You can find solitude wherever you seek it. The key is to take time to reflect on all that you are experiencing. Don’t get overwhelmed by the fast pace of life. As it is said, “take time to smell the roses”—reflect!!

Never stop learning. Begin with a solid formal education, but never stop learning. Value education. When graduation day comes, don’t stop there. Keep your hunger for knowledge alive.

Whether you elect to work a trade, be an artisan, or become a professional, go to and graduate from college. Seek a liberal education. While many schools and programs are getting increasingly specialized, there has been an erosion of the liberal education. It seems that universities offer as few courses in the arts and humanities as are necessary and fill students’ schedules with career-specific courses. Don’t fall into this trap. Art/music appreciation, literature, cultural studies, language, etc. should be as valued as math and the sciences, and vice versa. Become a truly educated person—civilized as the great seventeenth century enlightened Scots would have put it. As such, you will find yourself at ease in most any circumstances.

Don’t seek out the easiest classes and the easiest professors. Demand to be challenged. While grades are important—and you should strive for all A’s—it is more important that you take something from the class with you. While you will forget much of the details of what you learn in class, it will, nevertheless, become a part of you, subtly showing itself in the man you are becoming. Remember, you are a product of all your experiences. Orison Swett Marden wrote that “you enjoy the sum of all the past every moment of your life” (He Can Who Thinks He Can, p. 204). This is true. History, knowledge, and experience have a cumulative effect. The more you learn from these, the more you will contribute to the welfare of others—and yourself.

Education is a privilege, not a right. Respect it. Value it. Obtain it. Don’t miss any opportunity to become better educated. Seize every occasion while you are in school and continue to acquire knowledge throughout your life. Share your knowledge. Teach, if not as your profession, in your profession. Mentor. Seek guidance from others. Seek the wisdom of people wiser than yourself. Never consider your education complete. Be like a sponge, absorbing information wherever you can. Learn, experience, and reflect.

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong

LESSON 9–When You Fall Down

When things go wrong and they sometimes will;

When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill;

When the funds are low, and the debts are high;

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh;

When care is pressing you down a bit—

Rest if you must but don’t you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;

And you can never tell how close you are;

It may be near when you think it seems afar.

So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—

It’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.

–author unknown

When you fall—and you will—pick yourself up. Whether it is falling off you bike or stumbling in your spiritual life, remember, I will be there for you. More importantly, God will be there for you. You have the strength to overcome whatever brings you down. When you fall, get up.

I have a favorite wrestling story I like to tell. I don’t have a lot of stories that don’t end up with me getting pinned, so this is especially good. The match started with the referee’s whistle, and I went immediately to one of my favorite moves—the head and arm, which, when executed properly, can bring your opponent quickly to his back. In this case, the move worked, my opponent “Leroy” was on his back. Unfortunately, I could not seem to get his left shoulder to the mat. As I struggled to pin Leroy, he struggled to survive the first period. We battled in this position for nearly the entire two-minute period. From one side of the mat, my teammates were yelling “Pin him, Jeff. Pin him!” From the other side, I could hear “Get off your back, Leroy!” After repeated encouragement from his teammates to get of his back, I heard Leroy faintly reply to his teammates “I can’t!” Shortly thereafter, Leroy succumbed, and I pinned him. Remember: “Can’t never done nuthin’.” Leroy needed only to hang on a few more seconds and the period would have ended. He would have been down only 5 points with a fresh start in the second period, but he gave up.

You will be down often in life with no apparent escape. Hang in there, this too shall pass. Have faith. Trust in God. Trust in yourself. You are not without talent and gifts. You can and will if you try. Don’t ever listen to the voices that say, “you can’t”. Listen to the words of encouragement that you receive from the ones who love you. Understand forgiveness and grace. Know that “for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity” (Proverbs 26:16, NIV). God will always be there to help you up.

When asked “How do you recover from disaster?”, Eleanor Roosevelt responded “You do it by meeting it and going on. From each you learn something, from each you acquire additional strength and confidence in yourself to meet the next one when it comes” (You Learn by Living, p. 33). Son, you will fail in life. Don’t let your failures shame you. Be ashamed when you lack the fortitude and courage to face your failures and learn from them.

Failure is taboo in our society. Educators claim that we damage children by pointing out their failures. What a load of horse manure! Yes, belittling someone for their disappointments is wrong, but to deny them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes is worse. Men of character do not develop when coddled and shielded from reality. When a teacher grades your paper or exam, there is nothing wrong with him/her using red ink. Do not view the red ink as failure, but as opportunity—an opportunity to learn and to grow. What is education, after all, if not a series of failures followed by successes? Accept the red ink with thankfulness. Demand to be challenged and rise to the occasion! Rise up whenever you fall down!

Sometimes you will fall hard. You will have scrapes and cuts—perhaps even broken bones. These wounds will heal, but if you choose to lay down in defeat where you have fallen, you will never develop character. You will never know victory. You will never know what it is like to have finished the race. You may fall seven times, but, each time, get up. Keep moving forward. I heard it said somewhere that “if you fall flat on your face, at least you are going forward.” Press on toward your goal. No one can keep you down except yourself. Be courageous. Be persistent. Do not fear falling. When you do, get up. Never say “I can’t.” You may cross the finish line bloodied, limping, and in last place, but you crossed—you finished the race. This is most important.

Never be afraid to admit your mistakes. We are all flawed. Admitting to mistakes is the first step in correcting them. Analyze your failures. Set goals for yourself; set forth to accomplish them. Reflect on your performance. What kept you from success? If you succeeded, what contributed to your achievement? Set your goals ever higher. Never rest on your laurels or concede defeat. Press forward to ever more perfect success.

I have failed often. I have seen discouragement. I have often wanted to quit. I have thought myself a loser. I have often thought that I was destined to fail. But I must admit that I am not always right. I have listened to the voices of doubt. They are convincing, but they must be ignored.

I heard a message once in church about the “four enemies of faith”—fear, doubt, anxious care, and human reasoning. These are identified by Christ when he addressed his disciples. Four times he addresses his disciples as “you of little faith”: when they were frightened by a storm (Matthew 8:26), when Peter doubted that he could walk on the water (Matthew 14:31), when he challenged their tendencies to worry about life (Matthew 6:30), and when he cautioned them about the yeast—teachings or reasoning—of the Pharisees and Sadducees (Matthew 16:8). Likewise, these are the enemies of any good in your life. They will hold you back from true success in your relationships and your intellectual and physical pursuits. Fear paralyzes you and prevents you from moving forward. Doubt challenges your “can do” attitude and tells you that you can’t accomplish your goals. Anxious care refers to the day-today concerns of life that distract you and prevent you from challenging yourself and pursuing your dreams. Human reasoning involves your thought processes telling you that, rationally, something is not possible. Human reasoning, however, relies only on experience and the conclusions of the human mind. Your capabilities and the solutions to your problems, however, often lie well beyond your own understanding. Do not let these hold you back. Overcome them and press on.

Do not face discouragement alone. When you feel beaten down and tired, bring your burden to someone who can help. When you have fallen and feel like you can’t get up again, reach out. God will always be there to help you up. I will be there to help you up. Never feel unloved or alone. You have others besides yourself on whom you can rely. Ask for help when you need it. Never be ashamed. Too many people go it alone in life, thinking that they are unloved. This is a horrible shame.

Do not fear challenge and difficulty. You can take the easy path in life, but the view will not be as spectacular. You can observe the mountains from the valley, and the view may be inspiring. Or you can climb the mountain and view the valley from the peak—the scene is likely to be far more breathtaking. Not only will the view from the top be awe inspiring, but the journey to the top will also  be filled with its own experiences. The climb may be hard, but never doubt that it is worth it.

Do not fear change in your life. Change will come often and always for the best. Often, your greatest setback will open the door for spectacular change. Often, you will be charging forward in pursuit of a goal only to have everything “fall apart.” Do focus on the presumed failure. Look to the horizon for what God has in store for you. Be patient. Pray often. Your next step will be revealed to you. More times than not, you will find yourself going in a completely unexpected direction. It may seem wrong at the time. You may try to hold with tenacity on to your goal, but should the same opportunity keep presenting itself, do not deny the path that is before you. Over time, you will look back on your life and see that every occurrence—while seemingly unconnected—has led to where you are. If you had not failed or succeeded at precisely the right time, you may not have ended up with the experience and insight to succeed where you are.

Bruce Willis’ character in the movie, The Kid, had to face the boy inside him before he could realize his success. Together, they overcame the emotional demons that kept him from success. They lived their life thinking that they are failures. Once they accepted their faults and the circumstances of their past, the future opened for them. They got everything they had ever dreamed of—the timing just had to be right. Anyone who has ever thought him/herself to be a failure can’t help but tear up a bit when the man sees his future and raises his arms in exclaiming: “I’m not a loser!” You are certainly not a loser.

There is no shame in failing—in falling. Let no one convince you otherwise. Failure can be a curse or a blessing. The choice is yours. I hope, however, that you will welcome failure—not as your fate in life, but as the forger of character and the teacher of wisdom. If you choose to accept failure as a blessing, you will find that failure comes less often (or more accurately, it will be overshadowed by the successes in your life). All the many failures and struggles that I have experienced have brought me to this moment—blessed with a terrific son and a fulfilling life. I wouldn’t change a thing! So, son, when life knocks you down, get up and dust yourself off; smile and press on. Rise up whenever you fall down!

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong

LESSON 8–Remember to Play After Every Storm

We discussed in an earlier lesson that trials will undoubtedly come in life. They are, no doubt, a part of life. The sky will, at times, be dark and storm clouds will loom. Remember, however, that storms pass. The storms of life are not everlasting. Just as God left the rainbow as a sign to Noah, we, too, can trust that the storms will not overwhelm us. The sun will come again.

I have been deeply moved by the poetry of Mattie Stepanek—a boy not without his own storms of life—who, in his all-too-short life, taught me to “always remember to play after every storm.” What an insightful young man!

Don’t let the difficulties you face get the best of you. In an earlier lesson, we talked about trials. Expect them and learn from them. When they pass, remember to play after every storm. The ups in life will outnumber the downs. Joy will overcome the sorrow. The hurt will fade.

Trials in life are as certain as death and taxes. When the pain of life gets the better of you, realize that it will make you stronger, if you choose to learn from its lessons. Life will be hard, but you will get through it. When you do, celebrate. Take pleasure in life, knowing that you can and will overcome. Play after every storm.

I heard a story once about a man who was found hitting himself in the head with a 2×4. When asked “Why?” the man responded, “Because it feels so good when I stop.” I am not suggesting that you start hitting yourself in the head with boards or that you seek trials and difficulties in your life—believe me, they will find you easy enough! No, what I want you to understand is that when difficult times come your way, don’t be overwhelmed. Rather than surrender to a “woe is me” attitude, accept the challenge as a growth opportunity. Examine your circumstances and evaluate yourself. What lesson are you to learn? What weakness is being revealed? What character are you developing? How is this situation helping to lead you to the fulfillment of your Purpose? When you respond this way, you will find your burden lessened and joy will abound.

This may be likened to the athlete training for competition. No athlete steps out into the competitive arena without preparation. Athletes train hard. They sweat. They push themselves to their physical and psychological limits. They hurt, but they know that their bodies will recover and adapt. In exercise science, this is referred to as the “overload principle”—for a body system to adapt, it must be pushed harder than that to which it has become accustomed. So it is in life. To grow, you must extend beyond your comfort zone. You must be overloaded Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, Socially, and Spiritually to grow as a person.

The physical aspect of growth is easy to see. When you lift weights, for example, your muscles grow and your strength increases. When a marathoner runs for aerobic endurance, her heart and lungs are strengthened—she can deliver more oxygen to her muscles and the muscles are better able to utilize this oxygen—and she can run longer and faster. Any physical challenge to the body forces it to adapt and be better able to adapt to the stresses placed upon it.

To become educated, you must be challenged intellectually. First, you learned to count to ten, then to one-hundred. Soon you could add and subtract numbers. Over time, you mastered complex word problems and will, one day, even master integral calculus. You began with small words and progressively learned to read and process more complicated thoughts and ideas. The human mind requires mental stimulation to expand. We will talk about the value of education in another lesson.

Your emotions will be like a roller coaster throughout life. You’ll have highs, and you’ll have lows. Humans are, after all, emotional creatures. You will experience great joy in life. You will experience great sorrow. At times, your emotions will confuse and bewilder you. This is all part of life. Count it a blessing that you can experience the breadth of human emotion. Imagine what life will be like without any emotion—in some catatonic state. While you might not feel pain, you would also feel no joy. What a horrible life that would be. Realize that your ability to feel is one of the great gifts God has given you. You cannot experience joy without knowing sorrow, and vice versa.

Many relationships will end in heartache. You will give your heart to people only to have it stepped on. You will love and lose. You will know unreciprocated love. But you will one day know and receive unconditional love from someone, and all the pain and heartbreak of lost love will fade, and the accompanying elation will seem even greater for the hurt that came before. In this relationship, you will know what it is to play after every storm. I look forward to the day when you can look into the eyes of your spouse and see a glow that beams from the depths of her soul. It is this gleam in her eyes that will let you know that you are loved. It is the rainbow that follows the storm.

The pain you will feel at the loss of a loved one serves as a reminder of how significant that relationship was in your life. In these moments, grieve, but remember to play after every storm. Don’t dwell on your loss. Focus on what you gained from the time you spent with this individual. Share the memories. Laugh. Help others to do the same. When a loved one dies, we can’t change the past. We can’t bring them back. We can, however, keep them alive in our memories. Think of the joy they brought you—not the pain. If you are unsettled because there was failure in the relationship, look to correct it by making right the relationships that remain in your life.

The hurt you feel in the death of a loved one is pure selfishness. They have gone on to a better place. In the twinkling of an eye, they are with their Creator. You hurt because you are left behind to resolve the past and live on into the future. The past is behind you. No amount of emotional suffering will change this. Your future, however, is a fresh slate. Put on joy and face the opportunities! Play, my son!

Socially, you will face frequent storms. You will make mistakes. You will say and do the wrong things. You will embarrass yourself (and I will embarrass you even more). You will feel at some moments as a social outcast, but know that this, too, shall pass. Learn to laugh at yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

As I sit, now, writing this (and again rewriting this), I am trying to recall significant moments of embarrassment I suffered as a child or young adult. I am struggling to remember any. Why, because I was a flawless child and never experienced humiliation? Hardly. In fact, I am sure that I had what seemed like more than my share of awkward moments. But, in time, they fade as forgotten memories—as they should. Forget about them. Learn to accept your mistakes. Learn to laugh at those mortifying events in your life. Be able to—when someone says, “Hey, remember that time you…?”—laugh and respond by saying, “Oh, yeah. That was funny, wasn’t it?” If the person has malicious intent, your ability to laugh at yourself robs them of the opportunity to humiliate you. Chances are, in hindsight, it was funny.

On this same point, don’t laugh at another’s expense. That is, don’t make fun of other people. I can remember many times being on the bullying end of the teasing. I wonder how I might have scarred my classmates. In many cases, it was going along with the crowd. More often, though, it was the result of the mixed-up emotions and lack of social skills that comes with being a child. It is a shame that many of these classmates will never know that they were teased because I didn’t know how to be their friend. You know how it feels to be on the receiving end. Why cause another such pain? Better to make yourself the butt of your jokes. Remember, that most people may laugh on the outside to mask their pain and embarrassment on the inside. Their laughter should not be taken as support for your cruelty. Respect the feelings of others. Befriend the classmate that others pick on—you will soon learn that they have qualities that others don’t see. Live your life as to hurt no one. When you are hurt, don’t return malice with malice. Remember to play after every storm.

Your spirituality and faith will come into question often—particularly in life’s darkest storms. Trust that you are a part of something far greater than yourself. Trust that there is a Purpose to your existence and that the present storm plays a part in its fulfillment. Trust in your Creator and know that he will never leave you or forsake you. God will complete in you the good work he has started (Philippians 1:6). When you put your confidence in God, you are comforted in the storm and will soon find yourself in a peaceful calm. Remember in your heart David’s psalm:

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me (Psalm 13, NIV).

David faced many storms in his life, but always remembered to play after every storm. I encourage you to always do the same.

Consider what follows a storm. Yes, in many storms there is great destruction, but after a storm everything is clean and there is freshness in the air. The world seems at peace. There is a certain calm that follows. What the storm destroys can be rebuilt—often stronger and more beautifully. That which is strong weathers the storm and remains. Thus, we are in the storms of life. Our strength of character is revealed, and our weakness washed away. We are cleansed and refreshed. We enjoy the calm and see the rainbow of promise that traverses the sky. We know that we have survived. As a child, we would run to play in the fresh puddles and mud left behind by the storm. As you mature and become a man, don’t ever forget this, and remember to play after every storm!

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022

LESSON 7–Love Your Neighbor

To love your neighbor is no small order. You will meet all kinds of people in your life. Some you will admire and like. Some you will dislike. Some you will distain. To others you may be ambivalent. Whatever your feelings about the person, love your neighbor!

To love your neighbor does not mean that you must necessarily like them. There are numerous people I do not like and for whom I have little tolerance. I, nevertheless, must love them. I must consider their well-being as well as my own. This is all part of being a good citizen and a spiritual person. Despite your personal feelings and the actions of others, love your neighbor.

We are fast becoming a selfish, inconsiderate society. It is “me first and damn the rest.” Do not let this become your nature! I keep an autographed copy of Gale Sayers autobiography, I am Third—the great Bears running back whose relationship with Brian Piccolo inspired the movie Brian’s Song. The title of the book comes from a quote that Gale Sayers got from his track coach at Kansas State University: “My God is first, my family are second, and I am third.” This statement has been a model of life for me since my early teens. It epitomizes the standards by which I want you to live. God is always first. The priorities of family and friends come second. Personal wants and desires come last. This statement does not go on to say, “everyone else is last” or “to hell with the rest.” I believe the implication is that everyone falls ahead of self. Even your enemies are to be treated like friends. “I am third” implies that you are to live your life selflessly and to the betterment of others. Now this does not mean at all that you are to suffer hardship or ill-health for others. You must care for yourself to the extent that you are able, then, to help others. Here there is a fine line between putting others or yourself first.

There is no greater love than for one to lay down his life for another. One may lay down his life by physically dying to save another. One may lay down his life by living his life in service for others. One may lay down his life by sacrificing his dreams for another. There may be a time when you must risk your life for the sake of another. Do not be afraid to take this risk. Do not, however, act foolishly in some perceived act of valor. Act reasonably and responsibly, but never cherish your life above that of anyone. There is no greater act of love than dedicating your life in the service of others. And, when you grow older and acquire more responsibilities, expect that there will be times when you will have to lay aside your wants for the needs of others. Never consider such a thing an act of weakness. Consider, rather, the great strength and love it takes to set aside your wants to satisfy another.

In college, I was asked to write a paper on the “Tragedy of the Commons” written by Garrett Hardin in 1968. In a nutshell, the commons referred to man’s ability to freely use limited resources and return wastes to the earth. Obviously, because it still affects me over 20 years later, the assignment had a profound effect on me. I hope I can pass the effect on to you. Your relationship with your neighbor is reflected in the commons. The commons is a pasture to be used by all. Herdsman raising cattle and sheep can keep as many as possible without depleting its capacity to feed all the livestock. Rationally, the herdsmen will seek to maximize their gain. Ultimately, the herdsman asks himself, “What would be the harm in adding one more animal to my herd?” Of course, one animal may not necessarily over burden the pasture. But when every herdsman takes the same approach, the pasture rapidly becomes overgrazed. Originally, Garrett Hardin’s article was confronting overpopulation, but it has implications in so many aspects of society.

Treat all decisions from the perspective of the commons. Ask yourself: “How will my action affect my neighbor.” If you throw your candy wrapper on the ground, this of and by itself will not overburden the environment. But consider the effect of every one of the 7 billion plus people inhabiting the earth littering the ground with a candy wrapper. It becomes easy to see that every action, whether positive or negative, even if small, can influence others. Your conscious choice to conserve, recycle, or save can have an effect. Make even the smallest effort to preserve your environment and you will contribute to the efforts to preserve the world for future generations. The power of one is a tremendous thing. Multiplied many-fold it is awesome.

Make a choice, today, to help someone in need. Make a choice to conserve one drop of water or fuel. Recycle even one item. Buy one product that doesn’t contain petroleum products. Insist that companies don’t waste in their production or packaging. Make choices that preserve the commons. It is well that you make decisions on to over burden the commons, but also make a conscious effort to give back to the commons. Plant a tree. Teach. Volunteer. Offer a kind word. Stand in defiance against hatred, prejudice, and injustice. Love your neighbor as yourself!

The smallest act of kindness can have a profound effect. The concept of the movie Pay It Forward is awesome. You do something nice for three people with the expectation that, rather than pay you back; they do something nice for three more people. Before long, there is an explosion of selfless behavior. You should never expect anything in return for your acts of generosity. Always do what is best for the commons.

Loving your neighbor means many things. It means doing them no harm. It means offering your assistance when you are able. It means giving the gift of your time and resources. It means listening when you want to talk; giving when you want to take. It means yielding to the will of others. It means not judging. It means tolerance. It means patience. It means being kind when you don’t want to be. It means sacrifice. It means forgiveness. Loving your neighbor means acting is such a way as to mutually benefit all people.

Your neighbor is not just the person next door. It is the person across town. It is the person on the other side of the country—on the other side of the world. Your neighbor is male and female. Your neighbor is of all faiths. Your neighbor is of all colors, cultures, and lifestyles. Your neighbor is your friend. Your neighbor is your enemy. Love your neighbor!

How do you love your enemy? It is challenging. It does not mean that you must like them. It does not mean that you are weak and let them take advantage. Show them kindness and you will pour hot coals on their head. I wish I could say that I do this well—hardly. In fact, it is one of my greatest faults. I am not always quick to let go of anger. Don’t let me pass this on to you. Carry no grudge. Be quick to forgive. Return malice with compassion. Seek, as Stephen Covey wrote in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, first to understand. Attempt to know from where your enemy is coming—what is their perspective—before you attempt to force your ideas upon them. Seek them no harm. Be merciful. Be patient. Be civil. Take the moral high road. Remember that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (I Cor. 13:4-7, NIV). Do these things. Show love in these ways, yes, even to those whom you do not like.

Do not judge people. Treat everyone the same. Throughout life, you will be exposed to people of all colors, ethnicities, religions, viewpoints, and lifestyles. Never believe yourself superior. Never believe someone inferior. We all have the same Creator. Each has his or her unique Purpose. There is none greater than another. We all have strengths. We all have weaknesses.

Celebrate diversity. Know that diversity is not just in color and gender, but in all the qualities that make us unique and special. Welcome all people into your life. Study them. Learn about other cultures. Learn about other religions. When their viewpoints differ from your own, do not think them wrong. Be strong in your convictions but be tolerant of the other’s convictions. Do not support or condone sin, but do not hate the sinner. Remember that as you judge others, so too shall you be judged.

If you are going to stand firm in your beliefs, be without hypocrisy. Judge only yourself. Be sure that your actions are right with God and leave the judgment of others to him. Set the example. Set the standard. Be a leader. Be a man of integrity and conviction. Do nothing that will tarnish your reputation. Rather, do nothing that will harm your relationship with God. And as God is love, so then should you love your neighbor!

Be a friend to all. It is best that you have no enemies—that you be liked by all. But understand that you do not have to sacrifice your integrity to be liked. Be honest and upright. Speak your mind, but never with malicious intent. Speak ill of no one. Avoid gossip. Avoid strife. If you argue with someone, be sure that your words do not become personal. You may certainly disagree with someone’s ideas, but challenge the idea, not the person. Never let disagreements get in the way of your relationships. To the extent that you are able, see the others’ point of view. Make your point of view clear. In the end, it is better to agree to disagree than to lose a friendship. Love your neighbor!

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022

LESSON 6–Manners

I was dating a girl once who pointed out that every time we crossed the street I switched sides. I always moved to the street side. It freaked her out! I never realized I did it. I gave it some thought and realized it was a habit that was ingrained in me at an early age. It was something my parents taught me that had become as natural as breathing.

Your grandmother once told me that mothers of several of my female classmates in elementary school had commented what a polite boy I was and that their daughters had told them how I always helped them with their coats and held the door. I had no conscious recall of doing this. I was taught manners from the start, and, I guess, it became habit. It helped, also, that I have three sisters. I got much practice.

Manners and common courtesy seem to be endangered species. Why? In part, because they simply aren’t taught the way they were in your grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ generation. In part, because we are becoming a “me” society. We isolate ourselves from others and think only of ourselves and our own gratification. It is also, in part, due to the blending of gender roles. Women, it seems, find it demeaning to have a man hold the door for them or help them with their coat. How absurd! Don’t ever let someone convince you that showing them respect lessens their standing. Showing one courtesy and respect, rather, places them in a higher position. Manners should say to the recipient that they matter. When you hold a door for a woman (or a man) it says to her (or him) that “you come first.” Don’t let anyone tell you this is wrong!

When I met your mother, she was not used to someone doing things for her like holding the door. She is an independent, successful woman. It took me some time to convince her to let me do these things. Now, she will stand at the door and wait for me to open it. She’ll wait until I open the car door. She’ll hand me the grocery bag to carry it. As she has come to understand why it is so important for me to do these things, she has come to appreciate that it is important to me. I hope to be an example to you that you might also keep this dying practice alive.

As I look back over the years, I realize that having three sisters was quite a blessing. Not only because they are wonderful people, but also because I have learned to treat women as I would hope that my sisters would be treated. You will find that not all women want to be treated this way, but many do. Most are not used to it and, therefore, believe it a sign of weakness—I’ve been told by women that I was “too nice” or “too gentle”. Don’t let them sway you! For many women, their only example has been abusive, disrespectful men.

There is no fine line between politeness and being a doormat. It takes strength of character and integrity to behave graciously. One book that has influenced me is Man of Steel and Velvet, by Aubrey Andelin. Such a man will, with calloused hand, pick a daisy for the one woman who captivates his soul. Such a man can, at once, be moved to tears and anger at the sight injustice. Such a man is gentle and strong. Let no one ever try to convince you that your compassion is a sign of weakness. Let no one ever try to convince you that in doing for them you are implying that they are incapable. Treat all people with respect, no matter what their status.

As a young man, I was taught that there were added responsibilities that come with being a man. I did chores such as mowing the lawn, feeding the dog, taking out the trash, etc. But I also helped with the dishes, cleaned my room and the house, did laundry, and even learned to cook. Any woman should appreciate someone willfully doing the dirty, heavy work around the home. Certainly, they are capable, but it sends the message that you are important.

Society wants us to believe that men and women are equal in every way. The concept of equality, however, is a myth. We are not created equal (thankfully!). We are all blessed with unique genetics and experiences that make us unique and (extra)ordinary. So, it is not a bad thing to concede we are not equal—gender or otherwise. We should, rather, embrace the concept of equity. We should celebrate our individuality and treat one another with the same level of humanity.

Do all that you do not out of a perceived sense of superiority, but out of love. Do what you do as an act of giving—because the recipient is special in your eyes.

Practice manners wherever you go. Obviously, some venues will be more formal than others, but always conduct yourself appropriately. Set the example. Be a leader.

When you reply to others, say “sir” or “ma’am”. It annoys me when a student in one of my classes (or any young person, for that matter) calls me “dude”! I don’t require my students to call me anything, but it shows me that they respect my position when they call me “professor” or “doctor”. Refer to people by their title. Say “please” and “thank you”. These are simple courtesies that have fallen by the wayside.

When you enter a building, remove your hat!—particularly in buildings that lend themselves to a more respectful demeanor, e.g., churches and government buildings. I am not partial to hats in the first place, but I have been sensitive to the trend that men (young and old) are not removing their hats in certain circumstances as proper etiquette dictates. I have seen more and more men wearing their hats during the national anthem or prayers. I have seen hats in church. Men are sitting down to eat without removing their hat. Perhaps I am old-fashioned and a bit over-sensitive. I realize that times are different and that most people don’t care about such “minor” things, but, still, these are small acts that reflect one’s respect of others. Now, I am not questioning cultures in which a man might never remove his hat in public. I am referring to ever-present baseball cap or hat that is worn for fashion or to protect the bearer from the elements. It just seems fitting to remove said hat when you enter a building. Heck, I am not even asking you to tip your hat to a lady—although in some places this is very much the social norm.

I can’t begin to detail the proper etiquette for all social settings. The norm in society is ever-changing for one thing, and unfortunately some social etiquette is a thing of the past, but I do admonish you to be observant. Learn what is appropriate in each situation. Be a leader in preserving social custom. Practice polite behavior. Set the example. You will stand out among your peers, and it will benefit you in the long-run.

Many things that are common-sense courtesies are ignored by those who are lost in the self-centered universe. Everyone today, it seems, has a cell phone and they must use it constantly! The availability of communication is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, we can talk with anyone at any time. On the other hand, we can talk to anyone at any time. I applaud the states that have made it illegal to operate a hand-held cellular phone while driving. Of course, people tend to be every bit as clueless of their surroundings when they are walking down the street and talking on their phone. As well, people should realize that talking louder into the phone doesn’t make it any clearer for the person receiving the call. It is just that much more annoying to the people who are disturbed by the conversation. If you must take a phone call in a public place—e.g., a restaurant—be considerate of the other patrons and excuse yourself to a private area. Never offend your dinner partner by taking an unexpected call. This says to them, “Hold on, this conversation might be more interesting/important.” (For the same reason, I don’t like “call waiting”.) Don’t walk around with a hands-free on your ear. You look plain silly. (When I originally wrote this, hands-free was popular. Today, we mostly see people on speaker phone in public or talking into a headphone mic. The principle still applies.) Of course, use hands-free while you drive. Turn off your phone in libraries, classrooms, and meetings—anywhere you might disturb others. Unless you are waiting on a call that just can’t wait (and short of a call from your pregnant wife that she is in labor, I am hard pressed to think of any such call) your phone should be off as to not disrupt the class. Use the vibrate function in public. Use your phone with respect for others.

I mentioned the use of cellular phones while driving. This is one of many discourteous (and unsafe) behaviors practiced by numerous drivers today. Most courtesies are built into the driving laws but are hardly enforced. Don’t let this be an excuse to be discourteous! People rarely use turn signals to change lanes—always use yours. There is a joke that states that “You know you are in Michigan when you pass someone on the right going the speed limit.” [I originally wrote this when we lived in Michigan. Sadly, Oregon—and perhaps any state—could be substituted, here.] Know that those second and third lanes are for passing. Keep to the right. When you approach an on-ramp, move to the left whenever possible to allow the drivers entering the highway to merge. Yield to merging traffic. Be courteous and respectful of cyclists (and, if you are biking, be courteous and respectful of automobiles). Never cut off a car or a bicycle. Give room to motorcyclist and tractor trailers. Too often, people don’t think when they drive. If everyone would simply practice the “golden rule”—i.e., do unto others as you would have them do unto you—our roads would be much safer and there would less road rage and accidents.

The phrase “thank you” seems to have fallen from our vocabulary. These are two simple words that acknowledge the actions of another. Once, I went through the checkout of a grocery store in New York. The cashier proceeded to check out the person behind me without taking my money. When I brought this to her attention, she grabbed the $20 bill from my hand and returned my change without a word. I could have walked out of the store and left her register short, but I am not a dishonest person. That she couldn’t expend the small amount of breath to say “Thank you” is offensive. I was used to the cashiers in this store being less than courteous, but this was ridiculous. It was a far cry from the cashiers in east Texas where I found myself a few months later. At first, I thought that I had forgotten something when the cashier said “Y’all come back.” “Thank you” and “’preciate ya” (Texan for “we appreciate your business”) were commonplace. I felt welcomed and ‘preciated. I encourage you to include the phase “thank you” often in your vocabulary. Acknowledge even the smallest act. Let others know that they are ‘preciated! When you receive a gift or someone goes out of their way for you, follow up with a thank you card whenever possible. Take the time to recognize the kindness of others.

Take the time to recognize when another is down or in need. Offer words of encouragement. Be on Hallmarks preferred customer list, so to speak. Keep your local florist in business by sending flowers. The cost of these gifts is a small price to pay to make another person happy. Whenever you can, present your loved ones with such attention when they don’t expect it. Gifts at Christmas, anniversaries, and birthdays are expected (although you should never expect gifts—”it is better to give than receive”, it is said). A card or flowers that say “I was thinking of you” brighten the darkest day and are more meaningful. When cards or flowers aren’t possible or appropriate give the gift of a phone call. Make yourself available for others. Offer your time. Give the gift of you.

Never stand by and watch someone struggle. Perhaps it is unsafe, in this age, to stop and help a distressed motorist, but use that annoying cell phone to call for help. Help your neighbor with their grocery bags or a heavy box. Hold the door for people. Let someone go ahead of you in line. When you see someone struggling with an armful of items at the grocery, let them go ahead of you. Are we so important or in such a hurry that we can’t put others before ourselves? I should say not.

Perhaps, this lesson overlaps with the next (see “LESSON 7 – Love Your Neighbor”), and so it should. After all, what are manners but an outward show of our respect for others? If you consider the commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” you will naturally practice good manners. Never be rude. Always be considerate. Be a man of steel and velvet. Be firm, strong, and deliberate, but at the same time be gentle and kind. No one would dare call such a man “a wimp.” Rather, it is such a man who leads and is respected by all. Such is the man I know you will become. Be such a man.

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022

LESSON 5–Dress for Success: Setting a Standard

Wrong or right, you will be judged by your appearance. Is this right? Of course not, but it is a fact of life. Don’t judge others by their appearance but realize that how you present yourself reflects your personality and character. Don’t leave room for others to misjudge you.

Always dress for success. Don’t buy into fashion trends and so-called “statements.” Be yourself and present the best you to others. A college roommate used to say that “anyone can be in fashion, but it takes an individual to be in style.” If you look around at your peers, you will see a lot of “individuals” dressing the same. Fashion trends change like the wind. Today, it seems as though dressing in rags is all the rage. Go into a clothing store, and you can pay a premium price for worn out clothes. Guys are dressing like they pulled their clothes out of a laundry hamper and ladies are wearing clothes that reveal more and more. Tomorrow, the pendulum may swing the other way.

Lead the way by developing your own style. Be an individual but understand that how you dress will reflect to others a perception of who and what you are. If the statement: “You have only one chance to make a first impression” is true, then you want to be careful of that first impression. What image are you trying to create with your dress?

Your dress should reveal to the world that you are confident, intelligent, hard-working, and disciplined. Whether going to school, work, church, or play, you should always present your best. People will treat you differently. Again, I am not giving you justification for treating one person better than another, but, rather, I am cautioning you of the ways of the world. Stereotypes and prejudices abound. Don’t give others cause to misjudge you.

Realize also that your attitude (or how others perceive your attitude) will be reflected in your dress, as well. Consider for a moment how one carries himself or herself when dressed in their finest clothes versus their old “work in the yard” clothes. When dressed up, we are naturally more poised and refined. We talk differently. We interact with others differently—and others interact differently with us. Case in point: When I first moved to New York to work in a corporate fitness center, I noticed that when I wore a tie to work (I was not required to) people on the subway seemed to treat me with greater respect and courtesy than if I were dressed in jeans. I noticed also that I caught the eyes of the founders of the company when they came for a visit, as well. Even now, I choose to teach in a shirt and tie, because the students are more attentive and participate more than if I dress more casually. Why are we becoming a more casual nation? I don’t know. I am not qualified to draw conclusions on how it is affecting us—I’ll leave this to the sociologists—, but I would wager to guess we are paying a price. As we see an informalization of our schools and workplaces, I am sure there is a resultant decline in productivity and effectiveness.

As a child, I didn’t always appreciate having to dress up for what seemed like every occasion. Somewhere along the line, though, this changed. Now I feel out of place in certain environments if I am underdressed. I remember one occasion when I visited your aunt Kathy, and, not having expected to go to church with them, felt ashamed to be presenting myself before God in kakis and a polo-style shirt. Today, that would be the higher end of dress in most churches. As a child, it was always my “Sunday best”. Today, “Sunday best” is often from the hamper-looking shorts and a T-shirt.

I know that the belief is that God wants us to come as we are—and he does. But “come as you are” refers to our spiritual state, not how we are dressed. Yes, God looks on the heart and not the outward appearance. When I went to that small West Virginia church with Aunt Kathy and her family, God didn’t care that I was dressed the way I was dressed. He cared whether I came to him with a humble spirit, prepared to worship. He cared whether I had a repentant heart and love for my neighbor. I could come to church dressed right from the cover of GQ and it would not impress God. So, if you go God in rags with a committed worshipful attitude, he will welcome you. Reality is that he would welcome you even if your attitude was bad. I am also not saying that one’s dress is necessarily a true reflection of their attitude. We are cautioned, after all, not to show favoritism to the “man who comes into (our) meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes (James 2:2). God looks on the heart, shouldn’t we?

I keep referring to dress for church because it is more arguable than other situations and exemplifies that our appearance reflects our attitude. Yes, some might argue that I am being judgmental, but this is my point. People will judge you by your appearance. So, what does your dress say about you??

When your mother and I got married and moved to new community, we attended numerous congregations before settling on one fellowship with whom to worship. In visiting churches, I have noticed that there is an inverse relationship between formality and people’s behavior. In one particularly informal worship service, we noticed that people were routinely late to services, talkative during worship, and outright disrespectful—imagine, for example, not one but six people behind you opening cellophane-wrapped candies simultaneously. I know that churches are becoming increasingly informal to encourage people to attend, but, if you ask why people must be encouraged or why it must be easy for people to attend, then I think my point is made.

I know how one’s appearance in the classroom is perceived to the teacher, because I experience it every day of every term. When a student sits in the front row and looks attentive, then I perceive them to be a better student—that is, a more dedicated student—than the one slouched in the back row. I try to be unbiased and not let this affect my evaluation of the student, but reality is that I am probably going to be more favorable to the student who presents himself or herself more favorably. Fortunately, I try to get to know my students and judge them on their effort, not their appearance. I can’t say that all teachers (or employers/prospective employers) do the same. For example, I had a student in several of my exercise science classes to whom my first reaction was that this guy is a dumb muscle-head because he showed up the first day of class in a tight sleeveless shirt with tattoos and his ball cap on backwards. Reality: he was one of the brightest students I have ever had and proved himself time and again to be a hard worker. Fortunately, he knew when to dress for the occasion. I visited him on the job in his internship, and he looked downright professional in his tie and doctor’s lab coat. My bad—I misjudged him, initially. But the point is made—people do judge you by your appearance. Set the standard. Always present yourself your best for the situation at hand.

Keep yourself well-groomed and practice proper hygiene. Brush your teeth and use deodorant. Exercise and be fit. Wash and press your clothes. Wear your hair however you like but keep it neat. Sit and walk with good posture. Look at people when you talk to them. Use proper English (or whatever language you might need to speak). Enunciate and avoid slang (e.g., don’t call your professor “Dude”, it isn’t received very well). Be courteous. Be neat in your appearance and dress appropriate for the occasion.

When you buy clothes, buy quality—the best you can afford. You may at times in your life have to buy second-hand. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Better to buy quality used clothes than buy cheap clothes that wear out rapidly.

Buy practical clothes. Avoid the latest fashion. Classical styles stay in fashion longer.

Buy clothes that mix and match. Your wardrobe will be more versatile. Your mother will tease me that I get my clothes from Garanimals^Ò (the children’s clothing manufacturer that uses animal tags to help children learn to match their clothes), because just about everything matches. It is effective, though. I have had students comment that I never wear the same outfit or ask if a tie—that I have worn for years—is new.

Fashion has changed a bit over the years. The principle of “two plains and a fancy”, that your grandfather taught me, can now be violated to some extent, but overall, still rings true. I have found that a few carefully selected suits or chinos can go a long way, if you have a sizeable collection of ties. Women have practiced the art of accessorizing for generations. For a woman, a business suit and a blouse can be an infinite number of different outfits by wearing different scarves and jewelry. A young professional on a budget can buy a couple quality suits and white shirts and change the whole look with a different tie. Consider that just three suits, three shirts, and three ties give you twenty-seven possible combinations (3 x 3 x 3 = 27). Now, if you are a professional who wears a suit to work every day, you might consider a few more suits so that you are not running to the dry cleaners too often, and a few more shirts (particularly of varying color and style) might be warranted. But, if you are on a tight budget, consider spending your money on ties—colorful ties that catch the eye and can match with all (or nearly all) of your shirts and suits. Two more ties in the example above and you have forty-five possible combinations (3 x 3 x 5 = 45). Get the picture?

Growing up there was no “men’s work” and “women’s work”. Your grandmother, thankfully, taught me to cook, clean, do the dishes, and yes, even do my own laundry. I also took care of the dog, mowed the lawn, took out the trash, and did other chores around the house. Too many men (and women) are raised by mothers who do too much for them. They leave the nest unable to tend to the most basic chores as washing and folding clothes. Ironing? Forget about it! Mend a sock or sew on a button? Are you kidding? Yet, these are essential skills that everyone should have. Learn these and use them.

Keep your clothes clean and presentable. Learn to use an iron and press your shirts and keep nice creases in your pants. You will be much more impressive. I am quite pleased and thankful that my wife, your mother, can tell me that her friends are jealous when she tells them what I do around the house. Few men are willing to mow their own grass or do basic household repairs (Though, I admit I should not do plumbing! I’ve tried, but usually with disastrous results.), let alone do dishes and laundry. So, complain now when I ask you to do these things, but remember this when you see the joy and satisfaction in your wife’s eyes when you do these things for her!

The cover does identify the book. I will always tell you not to judge the book by its cover, but how you consciously present yourself will make an impression on others. Make that first impression a good one. Make an impact on people with your presence. Of course, the character on the inside will always show forth, but people may not always have the opportunity to see the “real you”. Make sure it shows from the start. We will talk later about your physical appearance, but keep yourself fit, clean, and dressed for success. You will be thankful that you did. I trust that you will be a man of integrity, but make sure that it is presented on the outside, as well. Set the standard not only in how you dress, but in your actions, as well.

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022

LESSON 4–Finding Your Purpose

To put away aimlessness and weakness, and to begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; who make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully.—James Allen, As A Man Thinketh, p. 32.

      You have a unique, divine Purpose on this earth. You are not an accident. You are not a random occurrence. God knew you in the beginning, and he has a Plan for you. You exist for a reason. Seek, find, and live your Purpose.

You may discover your Purpose early in life, or you might spend much of your lifetime finding it. Be attuned to God, those of us who love you, and your own instincts. Do this and you will find and fulfill your purpose.

Each of us is gifted with unique talents and circumstances that prepare us for our Purpose. Your Purpose may be seemingly great or apparently small. Know, however, that whatever it may appear, it is important. The world would never be the same without you. You have a Purpose! You are an integral piece to the puzzle of man. God made no mistake in creating you. He makes nothing without significance. No life is insignificant. Remember this as you pursue your Purpose.

Some men and women will rise to the ranks of celebrity or historical greatness. Others live lives of humble circumstance—believing that their lives affect no one. Know this, that even a simple, anonymous man can affect a multitude. If given a choice, choice historical greatness over celebrity. Celebrity is short-lived. Today’s star is tomorrow’s has-been. Great men and women leave a legacy. Great men and women live on for perpetuity in the hearts and souls of the lives they affect. Great men and women fulfill their Purpose.

You may accomplish things of great historical significance in your lifetime. Chances are you will do great things of lesser consequence. Know this, however, that what you do affects someone. You may never realize the effect that you have on people. You may quietly affect people, or your impact may resonate like a trumpet blast heard ‘round the world. Your Purpose, great or small, is critical. Seek to affect history.

I have often had personal dreams of greatness. I have been frequently frustrated by the fact that I have not acquired great wealth or fame. All of us dream of being famous and wanting of nothing. Reality is that few ever become a household name or amass great fortune. For me, I have resolved to be an integral part of another’s greatness. As a college professor, I am in an ideal position to accomplish this. I have numerous students comment after graduation on the affect that I have had in their academic careers—and lives. Such students inspire me. Yes, I have the opportunity to affect lives. What a great and awesome Purpose. A handful of my students have gone on to medical school. Who can say that a life may one day be saved, or a disease cured, because I helped awaken an interest in anatomy or pathophysiology in a student and encouraged their success? That life may be saved or that disease cured not by a student I directly affected, but by some several degrees removed. There is validity to the concept of “six degrees of separation.” This is far better than single-handed accomplishment. To affect lives in such a way that you affect others exponentially if far greater than a shooting star that burns brightly for a moment and fades into distant memory. Seek to affect lives. Fulfill your Purpose and, in so doing, affect the multitudes.

Follow the course that God has prepared for you. Seek his will, and your desires will follow. You cannot run from your Purpose. You may try, but undoubtedly, it will catch up with you. Once you have discovered your Purpose, pursue it zealously. Let it consume you and become your passion. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might (Ephesians 9:10). Be strong and unwavering. Be a man of character and integrity. Do not let selfishness or worldly desires detour you from the path that your Purpose has set. Rather, set your heart on those things from above and pursue the desires of your soul.

Purpose is a strange thing. For many, it brings personal satisfaction and material reward. For some, it bears tremendous burden and pain. For most, it is a seemingly indistinguishable existence. Whatever your lot, accept it, for it is for a Purpose greater than your own. Your Purpose was determined from the beginning that God’s Plan might be fulfilled.

Many might argue that in some life there is no value. Our society argues on the right of a woman to abort an unwanted fetus. People argue on the rights of an individual to end his or her own life or withdraw life-support from another. We look at a child, confined to a wheelchair, void of any ability to communicate, and questions the worth of such a life. We value some life over others, foolishly believing that one is more significant than another. Son, don’t fall into this trap. Know that in everyone lies the seed of an acorn that bears our destiny. A life may seem insignificant on the surface. It may have no impact on your directly, but for someone it is critical to their Purpose. We are all intimately woven together, defining one another; affecting one another. In the previous lesson, I wrote of the reasons for trials and difficulties in our lives. Know that these play a role in our Purpose. For many noble beings, suffering for the strengthening of others is their Purpose. Value the life of these more than the shooting stars. Take care to recognize the role that these individuals play in developing your character and defining your Purpose.

Fortunately, man is, overall, a compassionate being. Unlike the rest of the animal kingdom that leaves the weak and frail for dead, man values life. We seek to sustain life. This is evidence of the spirit in man that separates him from the beast. It is this spirit in man—one’s soul—that holds the key to one’s Purpose. Let this be your guide.

Kayaking and whitewater rafting have shown me great lessons about life. Briefly, the water, like our purpose, carries us forward to our ultimate destination. The river is at times calm and gentle flowing. At other times it is a torrent, flowing violently downstream. Either can be a pleasant experience when approached correctly. When life—like the river—becomes rough, approach with caution. Rely on your guide to help you negotiate the rapids. Listen carefully you your guide and follow their instructions.

You will have many guides in life. They may be in the form of a spiritual leader, or they may be the inner voice of consciousness—call it your guardian angel, intuition, or collective conscience. Whatever the form or venue, they will speak to your and guide you to your Purpose.

Rely on your guide. There will be times when your “gut” speaks to your heart. You will know whether you are traveling down the right path. Rely on intuition. Experience has shown me that trusting in your instinct will reveal your path.

Go to God often in prayer. Let his Word be your guide. Ultimately, he is the guiding force in your life. He determined your Purpose from the beginning. Working all things together for good in your life and will finish what he has started.

Some will try to detour you from your Purpose. There will be deceiving voices that will distract you. They will tell you anything to keep you from your Purpose. Do not listen to the voices of fear and doubt. A strong and wise man rigorously excludes fear and doubt from his thoughts. James Allen wrote: “They who have no central purpose in their life fall easy prey to petty worries, fears, troubles, and self-pityings, all of which are indications of weakness, which lead, just as surely as deliberately planned sins (though by a different route), to failure, unhappiness, and loss, for weakness cannot persist in a power-evolving universe” (As A Man Thinketh, p. 30).

Be a man of integrity and character. Seek discipline and self-control. Be selfless and consider the welfare of others. Place God first in your life and family and friends second. Understand that others, likewise, have a Purpose—encourage them. Seek good will and peace. Trust in God and trust in yourself. Do not be discouraged. Do not grow weary of well-doing. Listen to your inner voice. Consider the advice of others. Learn, experience, and reflect. Be aware of and develop your talents. Share your spiritual gifts and nurture the gifts and talents of others. Drive out fear and doubt. Do not worry excessively and align your thoughts with success. Do these things and you will fulfill your Purpose.

I can’t help but feel in my heart that my greatest Purpose is in you—that the greatest gift I can give to the world is a son who has integrity and compassion. My imperfect father passed on many life lessons to me that have served me well. Though I, too, am imperfect and have not always done that which I know to do, I have an opportunity in you to sow seeds of greatness—to prepare you for what I know is a great Purpose.

Son, you may become a powerful figure in the world, or you may be a man of common standing. It doesn’t matter, as long as you find and fulfill your Purpose—that you dedicate your life to the service of others. Be a godly man. Be humble and wise. Love God and love your neighbor. Do harm to no one. Think big. Determine your Purpose and set out to accomplish it. Let no one stand in your way. As the oak sleeps in the acorn, so, too, does greatness slumber in you. It is your responsibility to awaken it.

Know that the fulfillment of your Purpose will require effort. It will require sacrifice. Your Purpose is your birthright. It was determined from the beginning. Claim it.

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022

LESSON 3–Why You Will Face Trials and Difficulties in Your Life

“The tests of life are to make, not break us. Trouble may demolish a man’s business but build up his character. The blow at the outward man may be the greatest blessing to the inner man. If God, then, puts or permits anything hard in our lives, be sure that the real peril, the real trouble, is that we shall lose if we flinch or rebel.”–M. D. Babcock

I have given a great deal of thought to why we see so much suffering in the world. One can easily conclude that God is simply a vengeful, merciless god, who takes great pleasure in the suffering of man, or that God simply does not exist, and suffering is just a part of life. I can accept neither conclusion. I accept that there is a Creator god, who has brought all things into being for a Purpose. I find it difficult to accept that we just happened. As a professor of anatomy and physiology (of exercise physiology), I marvel at the intricacies of the human organism and have concluded that the odds are better at winning the lottery than they are that you happened by chance. I am not arguing against the scientific evidence for evolution—creation and the evolutionary record are not mutually exclusive, but this is a separate topic for another time. I am simply professing my faith that there is undoubtedly a Creator, and our Creator allows difficulties and suffering to befall us for our benefit. God can remove all our suffering, but to what avail? No, it is a blessing when we are tried. Our weakness is revealed in our trials, and we grow stronger as a result—or it for the strengthening of others.

Know that you suffer for your good and the good of others. This does not, however, imply that you should take pleasure in another’s suffering or refuse to offer comfort when you are able. To the contrary, you should seek to ease the burden of those who are suffering. After all, it may be for your edification that this person may be suffering. It is through our own suffering that our strength of character is forged. It is through the suffering of others that our hearts are softened, and we learn compassion.

Even if we took God out of the picture, I would argue that there is much to be gained from the trials and difficulties in our lives. Nietzsche wrote “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” If we make a mistake, and it does not cause our death, we learn from it and (hopefully) do not repeat the mistake—although sometimes we are a little slow learning. If we can learn from the mistakes of others, how much better this is than repeating another’s folly. It does not take a faith in God to recognize that we are refined in the fiery furnace of affliction. Just as gold and silver are purified in the fire of the smith’s crucible, we are formed by the suffering that surrounds our lives.

Viktor Frankl wrote that “despair is suffering without meaning.” It is when we lack a sense of Purpose in our lives that our trials and difficulties afflict us. When we lack a definitive reason for living, pain bares no fruit. If we look for the meaning in the suffering around us, the world is filled with hope.

When I think of this, I can’t help but recall the death of my great-aunt Glady. Her husband, uncle Chuck, her brother—your great-grandfather Armstrong, and her sister-in-law—great-grandma Armstrong had passed, and she was alone except for her nieces and nephews. She was living alone in a nursing home and death was slow in coming. Eventually, she was hospitalized, and her passing was imminent. Unlike your great-grandma, whose sudden death a few months before surprised the family, Glady died a prolonged and painful death. Those of us who visited her in the hospital prayed her suffering would end. Each labored breath we hoped would be her last. However, each time we thought she had emptied her lungs for the last time, she would gasp and continue to battle the grip of death. For four weeks, she held on to life. We asked ourselves repeatedly how one could hold on in such apparent agony. Her month-long stay in the hospital, however, brought together your grandfather and his two sisters—Aunt Linda and Aunt Sherry—who had grown apart over the years. Physical and emotional separation was bridged by the prolonged death of a relative. Siblings, who had let petty differences and life’s cares separate them, were brought together as they had never been. As a witness to this miracle, I saw three lives (no, four—as I will never be the same either) changed forever by the suffering of another. The bond of siblings was renewed at the bedside of a beloved aunt. I am certain that the way my great-aunt died was with great purpose. It was indeed painful to watch her suffer as she did, but it was such a delight to watch my father and my two dear aunts come together. Had Glady died a sudden death, the three siblings would probably never have spent any significant time together and would have drifted farther apart. Instead, they are closer than ever.

I heard a heartwarming sermon by Dr. Tom Tewell at the 5^th Avenue Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, NYC. He related the story of a jilted bride in Boston who, rather than lose a $6500 deposit for her wedding supper, paid the balance, and had a feast. She did not invite her intended wedding guests. Rather, she opened the doors to the area homeless. For one meal, the pain of all parties was eased. The $13,000 could not have been better spent.

I tend to not be such a compassionate person. (A trait, Liam, I hope I do not pass on to you.) I admit that I have great difficulty with complainers and excuse-makers. I tend to recall the Eagles tune, “Get Over It”, from their Hell Freezes Over CD. When I see people in desperate situations or suffering from conditions that are no fault of their own, however, I am deeply moved. I am thankful that I am so blessed. I have not suffered in my life. While I have had my ups and downs and have felt pain (both emotional and physical), I cannot recall any event in my life that I would label as “suffering”. Some have said that I am in denial—perhaps. But I am not convinced that suffering is a part of life. I, rather, believe that it is a state of mind. When faced with difficult circumstances, you have two choices. You can cry “Oh, woe is me!” or you can count it a blessing—”That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” It does not surprise me that the apostle Paul wrote that you should “consider it pure joy… whenever you face trials of many kinds” (James 1:2, NIV). The circumstances in your life mold your character. You are a product of all the joy and all the heartache in your lives. Every event prepares you to fulfill your Purpose. So, when you are tried, face the trial joyfully. Look for the lesson to be learned. Remember that the storm will pass.

I wish I could tell you that life will always be easy, but it won’t. You will be teased and picked on. You will be laughed at. You will be doubted. You will be hurt both emotionally and physically. You will be let down by the ones you love and who love you—including me. Your road will at times be rocky, and the journey will be long. But, be encouraged. Keep your faith alive and trust in God and yourself. You will get through whatever the difficulty is. When you do—when the sun rises the morning after—you will be a better person for it. Orison Swett Marden wrote: “To live without trial is to die but half a man” (He Can Who Thinks He Can, p. 153).

Do not bring suffering upon yourself. Do not bring it upon others. Do not take pleasure in the suffering of others. Rather, offer support to even your worst enemy. For it is written: “if your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you” (Proverbs 25:21-22, NIV). If you have ever done anything mean to another person and had them return your unkindness with kindness, you know that this proverb is saying. In so doing, you rob the individual of any twisted satisfaction that they get from doing evil. And you walk away feeling good.

I used to teach with a friend named Charlie. We used to run together in the mornings before work. Charlie is the most positive and upbeat person I know. I have never heard him say a damaging word against anyone. I appreciate this in Charlie, but it sometimes drove me nuts!! I tend to vent my frustration. So, when we were running, I’d often complain about this person or that. Charlie’s response was always positive—”Maybe ‘so-and-so’ is just having a bad day.” or “Have you tried… (holding a mirror up that always revealed the attitude problems in me).” I never heard a harsh word from Charlie. It upset me, because deep down I knew that my negativism—no matter the circumstances provoking it—was wrong. I still (and probably always will) battle with this. In a later lesson, we’ll talk about loving your neighbor.

Have compassion for others. Ease a burden rather than be a burden. Offer comfort rather than reveling in the hardship of others. Never be ashamed to be emotional. In times of trial:

“Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary:

 “‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirst, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap hot coals on his head.’

“Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:9-21).

Above all, count your blessings. These will, if put on the balance of life, far outweigh the trials, hardships, and sorrows. At times, it might not seem so, but your days will be filled with more sunshine than clouds. And even when the clouds and darkness loom, look for the light. Find that glimmer of light—the joy that may seem lost. For, though you might be amid a storm, this too shall pass. Remember the wisdom of Mattie Stepanek who, in his very short life, taught us to “play after every storm.”

Carpe momento!!

© W. Jeffrey Armstrong, 2022